Page 84 of Runes To Rain
It’s not like me to let distractions in during sword practice.
My chest is so tight it's painful, and after a few more moments of trying to breathe, a sob breaks free.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what happened the last time I saw Dio. That concert did not go at all how I expected. I couldn’t believe he left the stage and came to me. I can’t believe I kissed him.
Goddess, I feel stupid.
At the concert and in the alley, it seemed as though he had feelings for me as well. Then we arrived at his room, and it was glorious at first. Kissing him, my legs around his waist, the knot of emotions finally untying itself.
Thinking about it frees another sob. As it comes scraping out of my throat, I turn onto my side and curl in on myself.
At the time, I thought maybe I had a chance, but I must have fucked it up. It took a lot for me to show him my scars, and when he saw them, he froze. His expression went from heated to flames of anger in an instant. The feeling of being pierced by shards of glass was back, only it was worse this time, much more painful. Still, he just stood there.
I was hurt and angry, and I didn’t know what else to do, so I left. He didn’t say anything, didn’t ask me to stay. To me, that confirmed it. Whatever his feelings had been, they were altered by seeing my scars. Well, that or I had done something wrong again.
When I got back to Lily’s apartment, she was gone. I was scared she had been hurt and was just about to leave to search for her when Malam showed up. He was so angry.
In the state I was in, I just let him yell at me. I didn’t have much to say for myself. I left the apartment against his wishes despite his explicit order, and by doing so, I put Lily in danger. I understand his protectiveness of her. I guess I can relate. When he asked me why, I just said I had made a mistake.
I was crying at that point, and I think when he saw my tears, he must have felt bad about his tirade because he didn’t push. There was no way I was going to tell him about Dio and what happened.
I felt so stupid. No, I feel so stupid.
Another sob crawls its way out of my throat at the memory.
Malam shared that when he got to the apartment and found Lily safe, he had moved her immediately to another location. He told me I could continue to stay at Lily’s place for now, but he wouldn’t be responding to my summons anymore. When he said that, there was a sudden pain, like a tearing in my head. He left soon after, and I made it to the bathroom just in time tovomit. I haven’t seen him or Lily since. I haven’t seen anyone I know for a week now.
More time passes in a haze. I don’t feel up to reading, at least not the books Lily has in her apartment. I’ve continued to practice with my sword because it is the only thing I can do, but it feels hollow, and it's a monumental task to focus. I’ve even tried sculpting with some of Lily’s clay, but all I make is a mess.
Now, because there is no reason for me not to go out, I do. Every evening, once it gets dark, I leave the apartment. I dress in all black with a hood to hide my hair and strap my sword to my back and just walk, following my feet wherever they take me.
On one of my walks, I accidentally find work. As I am walking down the street, I notice a carriage driver feeding and caring for four carriage horses. The carriage is larger than those we typically rent, and the man appears to have his hands full.
He is older, and I notice him struggling to get water to the horses, so I help. After a moment of surprise when he sees my appearance, he thanks me genuinely. As I turn to leave, he asks if I might be interested in joining him as an Assistant Whip. When I ask what that is, he explains the duties to me, most of which include assisting him with navigating the city, sometimes driving, and helping care for the horses. I immediately agree.
I knew I would need to find work at some point, but hadn’t explicitly sought it out because I wasn’t sure how. This fortuitous exchange solves that issue, and working with carriage horses is something I never dreamed I would be able to do.
After I start my job, I spend most of my time, when I’m not sleeping, working with the carriage. The man wasn’t wrong when he said he needed help. This carriage is one of the few in this area that seats more than six, and it is constantly booked with one journey or another.
The work is hard, tiring, and constant, but at night, or sometimes during the day, when I get a break, I fall into bed exhausted and sleep well. Thankfully, because of the exhaustion, I barely dream.
I find time here and there to continue my sword practice, but at this point, the purpose is to maintain skills. The work on the carriage has other benefits, including building my strength.
Staying so busy has other benefits, of course, and I manage to distract myself enough that I barely have time to think of Dio. A month has flown by before I realize. When I do finally notice how much time has passed, I decide I should probably try to talk with him. However, the work just keeps coming, and it is too easy to avoid that particular wound, so I do. Then suddenly I can’t ignore it anymore.
The carriage has been particularly busy, and we have been working for over 24 hours when one of the carriage horses is injured by some creature. I manage to get to it and stab the beast before it can kill that horse or hurt the others, but the damage is done.
My boss is impressed and incredibly grateful. Until now, he didn’t have any reason to believe that I could be effective with the sword he is used to seeing me wear. At any rate, he seems surprised but pleased I was able to wound and chase off the beast.
As a thank you, he gives me a few days off, which will also allow him some time to get the horse seen by a healer and either replace it or borrow another for a time.
It is late in the evening, the day after the incident with the horse, and for the first time in a while, I find myself in Lily’s apartment with nothing to do. I try to fill some time reading, but the books Lily has just reminded me offeelings I had for Dio. I try to sketch, but sketching my typical subject certainly doesn’t help distract me.
Instead, I’m pacing and doing my best to grapple with my feelings when someone knocks. I grab my sword, remove the sheath, and walk to the door. I look through the peephole and see Dio standing in the hallway.
My world suddenly narrows down to just a pinprick of focus, all of it consumed by the man standing outside the door.
I let out a breath, resting my forehead against the cool door for a minute as I’m flooded with emotions. I look out the peephole again just as he glances at the door, his body tense. I can see him trying to decide if he should knock again or leave. Before he can make the decision, I make it for him and open the door.
