Page 50 of Torn
But it was.
Boutros stood before me. The blank stare on his face was obvious, even in the dim, murky light. He cocked his head, peering at me like I was some breed of animal he’d never seen.
I was so flabbergasted to finally have him in front of me that I didn’t know what to say, not for a minute or more.
We simply stood there, eyeing each another.
Finally, I said the only thing I could think of, which was stupid but would at least let me know if I was in or out. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
I expected a smartass reply, but all Boutros did was sigh, turn, and walk away. He’d left the door open, so I took that as an invitation and followed.
As we moved through the apartment, I took note of the carnage—the overflowing ashtrays on the coffee table and bookcases, the stacks of unruly papers scattered across the dining room table, along with Boutros’s trusty IBM Selectric (he refused to use a computer to write), the mess of dirty dishes, saucers, cups, and glasses in the kitchen sink and on the counter.
I followed him into his bedroom, which was off the kitchen (sounds weird, but it wasn’t uncommon in older Chicago apartment layouts). Wordlessly, I watched him throw back the quilt and sheet and then crawl into bed. He lay back on the pillow, covers pulled up to his neck, his eyes glazed as though he still didn’t recognize me.
I expected him to burst into laughter or to at least smile, but no evidence of mirth emerged. He rolled over toward the wall and lay on his side, eyes still open and staring.
Taking a step toward the bed, I asked, “Are you okay? Boutros, tell me you’re okay.”
He rolled back over on his back and threw back the covers next to him.
I laughed nervously. “You, what, want me to get in bed with you?” Despite having to share a bed on our recent vacation, sharing a bed (or a hug or a kiss for that matter) was simply something we never did.
He said nothing, but he left the covers as they were—an open invitation.
I slid out of my shoes and crawled in with him. I lay back, and he quickly came to me, laying his head on my chest and pulling me closer than I already was. I wrapped one arm around his waist, and with the opposite hand, I stroked his hair.
I didn’t know what was wrong. But I wasn’t blind. The dark, the mess of the place, his not speaking all added up to his being in a very bad place. I figured he would tell me what happened when he was ready.
We lay like that for a long time, until my eyes grew quite adjusted to the gloom. As my vision cleared, I saw the clothes strewn on the floor and, even here, a couple of dirty plates, an empty pizza box.At least he’s eating, I thought.
Boutros curled into me, as though he were trying to enter me. Not in a sexual way, mind you, but as though he wanted to vanish into me. Or maybe meld with me, making us one.
It seemed like an hour or more had passed in silence, and maybe it had. I had no gauge. Boutros finally spoke, and when he did, the words he uttered were entirely stripped of the wit and bite I usually associated with him. His voice was a papery croak.
“You’ve never seen it. Never seen me, not here. But sometimes I go to these dark places, or they come to me. I’ve never really figured out how it works. But it’s like a big, black stain covering me. My mum had the same thing. And I can’t get out from under it. I feel so alone.”
A big pang of guilt rose up within me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”
“Oh, bother. You’re here now.” He squeezed me.
“I should have checked in. I’ve been bad.”
“What? Checked in? Like I’m an invalid?”
I laughed, but it seemed weird in the dark, in this mood, so I cut it short. “You know what I mean.”
“I know. I know you’re busy falling in love. I didn’t expect you to come around.”
“I was worried.”
“I know.” He moved his head on my chest and paused to plant a little kiss on my cheek.
“I never forgot about you.”
“I know.” He rolled away, turning over to once again face the wall. “Would you mind staying here, just until I fall asleep?”
“Not at all.” I made like a spoon with him, holding him not only until he fell asleep, but I did too.
