Page 40 of After Everything
Session reminder for Thursday at 3 PM. See you then.
I typed back:
Thanks.See you Thursday.
Then I stood up and started walking home.
The apartment wasdark when I got there. I flipped on the lights and looked around. It was neat: I'd learned that from therapy too, that keeping my space clean helped keep my mind clear. But it was also sparse. Minimal. Like I was still waiting for permission to actually settle in.
I heated up leftover Chinese food and sat on the couch, eating straight from the container while I scrolled through my phone. News articles. Work emails. Nothing interesting.
I pulled up my photos app and scrolled back three years. Found the folder I'd labeled "Before" and never deleted.
Pictures of Emma and me. Wedding photos. Vacation photos. Random snapshots from when we were happy, or at least when I'd thought we were happy.
There was one from our honeymoon in Greece. Emma in a white sundress, smilingat the camera, the ocean behind her. She looked so young and trusting. Like she believed we'd last forever.
I'd failed her so completely.
I closed the photos app and put my phone face-down on the coffee table.
Dr. Reeves had asked me once what I wanted. Not what I thought I should want, not what would make me feel better about myself, but what I actually, truly wanted.
I'd sat in her office for five minutes, unable to answer. Because the truth was pathetic. Humiliating.
I wanted Emma back.
And now I knew exactly what that meant.
I didn’t want the Emma from our marriage, the one who'd given up everything for me and slowly disappeared into the background of my ambition. I didn’t want the Emma who'd waited for me every night while I fucked around with someone else.
I wanted the Emma I'd seen today. Strong. Independent. Happy. Thriving. The Emma who'd looked at me like I was justsomeone she used to know and then walked away without a second thought.
I wanted her back. And I had no right to want that.
So I did what Dr. Reeves had taught me to do when the wanting got too loud.
I made a list.
Things I'm grateful for:
My practice (small but honest)
My sobriety (three years, no slip-ups)
My health
Marcus and the few friends I made
My parents (still talking to me, even after everything)
A second chance to become someone better
Things I need to work on:
Letting go of the past
Accepting that Emma has moved on
