Page 72 of After Everything
"I'm not blind, David. Eighteen referrals in nine months. You've been showing up." I paused. "You're not the same person you were."
"I'm trying not to be."
"I can see that." I looked down at my hands. "And I don't hate you anymore. I haven't for a while, actually. I realized that a few weeks ago."
Something shifted in his expression. Hope, maybe. Or just relief that I didn't actively despise him.
"But not hating you doesn't mean I trustyou," I continued. "Or that I've forgiven you. Or that any of this is okay now."
"I understand."
"Do you?" I leaned forward slightly. "Because none of it erases what you did. It doesn't give me back what I lost. And it doesn't mean I'm willing to risk getting hurt by you again."
"I know," he said quietly. "I'm not asking you to."
"Then what are you asking?"
He was quiet for a moment. "I guess... I just wanted you to know. That I understand what I did. That I'm sorry. That I see who you've become and I'm… I'm proud of you. For rebuilding. For going back to school. For becoming an NP and helping people and building a life you're proud of." He took a shaky breath. "And I wanted to say that out loud. To you. Not through lawyers or professional emails. Just... person to person."
I sat back in my chair, processing.
This wasn't what I'd expected. I'd expected excuses or defensiveness or an attempt to minimize what he'd done. Maybe even an attempt to win me back.
But this was just... honesty.
It didn't fix anything.
But it mattered.
"I knew something was wrong," I said quietly. "Before I found the messages. I knew."
David looked at me.
"The way you'd angle your phone away when I walked into a room. How you started showering as soon as you got home. The way you stopped touching me unless I initiated it first." I picked at the edge of the table. "I saw all of it. And I told myself I was being paranoid. That you were just stressed about work. That I was imagining things."
"Emma—"
"I'm not saying it's my fault. It's not." I looked up at him. "But I think part of me knew and I just... didn't want to see it. Because if I saw it, I'd have to deal with it. And I didn't know how to deal with the possibility that my marriage was falling apart."
David was quiet for a moment. "I'm sorry you had to carry that. The knowing and the not-knowing at the same time."
"Me too." I let out a breath. "Sometimes Iwonder what would have happened if you'd just told me you were unhappy. If you'd said, 'Emma, I don't think this is working anymore' instead of..."
"Instead of destroying everything." He finished the thought. "I wonder that too. I think about it all the time, actually. How different things could have been if I'd just been honest."
"Would you have left me for her?"
"No." He said it with certainty. "If I'd been honest with myself, I would have realized I didn't want to leave you for anyone. I just wanted to escape feeling like I was failing you. And Sarah was the escape, not the solution." He paused. "If I'd been brave enough to actually talk to you about how I was feeling, we might have fixed it. Or ended things cleanly. Either way would have been better than what I did."
I nodded slowly. He was right. Either outcome would have been better.
"What's your life like now?" I asked, surprising myself with the question. "Outside of work, I mean."
David seemed surprised too. "Quieter.Simpler." He thought about it. "I have coffee with my dad once a month. Marcus and I grab dinner sometimes. I run in the mornings. Read a lot more than I used to." A small smile. "I'm not very interesting, honestly."
"You're sober too."
"Three years." He said it like it mattered. Like he was proud of it.
