Page 116 of Enough
Her silence overwhelms me, and my chest is racked with sobs as I continue to shake her. “Please wake up! Please!” I beg. I lie my head on her chest and wait to hear her heart. Her wonderful, beautiful, strong heart. It’s the most deafening silence of my life. I crawl next to her and run my fingers through her silver hair. I place my head softly over her heart. “I loveyou. Please, Gram. Please… don’t leave me.”
NICK CRADLES ME in his arms as I watch them zip the bag around her. He tries to step in front of me to spare me, but I push him aside. The house is full of strangers. They’re moving and whispering, but it’s too quiet. I picture her coming up the stairs from her basement holding the can of paint. I see her sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk. I envision her winking to me as Gwen scrubs a pan in the sink.
I turn my head into his chest and he holds me in his arms. I close my eyes and pray to wake up safe in bed down the hall. I want a redo. I want another chance. Nick leads me to the couch and I slowly slide down into it.
“Tell me what you need. I’ll do anything.”
I reach up and touch his face. He’s holding back for me. I can see it. He’s always been so strong. The door opens, and Gwen rushes in with Cooper behind her. She runs to me and I stand. No words are spoken. But we cry. We cry together.
“She’s gone, Gwenny.”
“I know,” she says through her tears. “I’m so sorry. I’m so… sorry.”
“She loved you, Gwenny, you know?” I ask as I strain to see her face.
She nods as the tears seep down her face. “I loved her too.”
We stand like that for a long time. Just holding on to each other and all the memories of a love that was like no other.
My eyes dart up to the clock on the wall. “The kids!” Icry out in a panic.
“Shh…” Nick says as he reaches for me. I called Mike. He has them. They’re fine.”
“Do they know?” I ask him as my voice shakes and I clutch my tissues to my face.
“No. I told Mike not to say anything until we got there. I figured you’d want to be there with him to tell them.”
I nod my head at him and slide back down to the couch. Then I stand abruptly. “Does anyone want some coffee or tea?” I start to walk to the kitchen and Cooper stops me. His arm’s in a sling, but he lifts his free hand to my face.
“Hey… Nick and I can handle it. Okay? You just sit with Gwen. We’ll take care of everything.”
I nod my head and he leans into me, pushing my head to his chest and placing his hand on the back of my head.
I sit with Gwen and we try to figure out what happened. “I think it was her heart,” I tell her. “She gave so much of it away, there probably wasn’t enough left to keep her alive.”
Gwen and I cry for the next hour as Cooper and Nick try their best to console us. There just aren’t words. As it starts to get dark, I realize we need to leave, but I’m afraid. It feels as if leaving her house means leaving her.
“Hey…” Nick crouches next me. “She’s not here,” he says as he points to her home. “She’s here,” he whispers as he touches my heart. The tears flow again. He takes me into his arms and doesn’t let go.
Three months later
I STAND IN her empty kitchen, taking one last look around. Gwen and the kids are finishing putting the last of Gram’s things in my van. Nick trudges up from the basement and I close my eyes. I know it’s only him walking up the stairs, but I picture her as the door opens in my mind. I hear her in my soul.“Ready to get to fixin’ that heart?”
Nick turns off the light and shuts the door behind him.
“Anything left down there?” I ask.
“No. I think we got everything.”
The house sold in a month. I thought of keeping it, but there were too many memories. Every time I entered through that red door and didn’t hear her voice, my chest ached a little more. She had a heart attack, but the doctors assured us she died peacefully in her sleep. It made me feel better to know she didn’t suffer. She deserved to drift away as peacefully as she lived her life.
I cross my arms and turn once more. I’ve already stood in each room, and the kitchen is my very last. Nick kisses my cheek. He’s been incredible. I don’t know what I ever did todeserve him, but I’ll do everything in my power to keep him in my life.
“Take your time,” he whispers in my ear.
“Just give me another minute. I’ll be right out.” I try my best to smile, to be strong, but he sees through me, just like he always has. He steps outside and I hear Kale call to him as the door shuts behind him.
“It’s so final, Gram,” I say out loud. “You know I have a problem with goodbyes, so I’ll just say, see you soon. I’ll miss you forever. I hope you know you changed me. I hope you know you made me a better me. I hope you know I’ll always love you, wherever you are.”
