Page 54 of Enough
“Because it’s the color of emotions. It’s anger, passion, and fire. It’s strength and power and, most importantly, it’s the color of love. When you’re sad or hurt, sometimes you feel all those things. Painting this door doesn’t solve problems and it doesn’t fix hearts. That magic comes from inside. You fix yourself. This door just helps you see your own change.”
Gwen picks up a brush and starts to paint. She stares at the door with a pained expression as she strokes the side with a fresh coat. I pick up my brush and start to paint, and Grandma Kay smiles.
I stop for a moment and gaze at her.
“What is it, songbird?” she asks.
“You know what I just realized? I mean… deep down inside I think I knew it all along, but it just came to me, and I know in my heart it’s the real, honest truth.”
She turns her head to the side and listens intently.
“Whenever I need you, Gram, you’re always there. It’syouthat’s the magic. It’s never been the door. It’syou.”
For the first time in years, I see a small tear slide down her cheek. I leap up from the ground and pull her in to me. “I love you, Gram. It’s you who keepsmesane.” As I wrap my arms around this wonderful, amazing gift, I hold on tightly. This time,Idon’t let go.
A year later
IT’S HARD TO believe how much time has passed since the divorce. It’s my second month working as a nurse at St. Mary’s. They hired me right after graduation. Gwen said she had nothing to do with it, but I wonder if she’s lying. Gwen told me she heard awesome things from everyone I worked with during my clinicals and that I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was the top choice for hire when I got my degree. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. If someone had told me when I was lying in bed at the hospital after losing my baby that I’d be where I am right now, feeling how I feel, I would have never believed them.
It’s been a long road of recovery for me. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, and most days are a challenge, but I can feel myself getting stronger every day and I feel so blessed to have the family and friends that I do.
I still remember how I felt when I got my first paycheck. It was direct deposit, so I didn’t get to hold it, but I remember how it felt to look in my account and see I’d made my own money. To know that I could support myself and the kids wasan indescribable feeling. I used some of the money from the divorce settlement to buy a small house and I was able to stay in the same school district so the kids didn’t have to switch schools. The house is modest and much smaller than the one I had with Mike, but it’s mine.
The kids have had to learn to accept riding the bus. They’re doing better with the all the changes, but I remind myself daily to make sure I don’t take their emotions for granted. Now that I’m working nights, things are a little complicated. Mike takes them three nights a week, and I try to work twelve-hour shifts so that I can be home when they’re home. One night a week, Grandma Kay spends the night while I’m working. She’s a true blessing to me, and the kids adore her. I sleep while they’re at school and I’m there to make dinner and do homework. Changing my internal clock was tough at first, but it’s worth it to have that time with the kids.
Gwen works afternoons, so I’m usually going to work when she’s leaving. We try to get together once a week, but it’s not the same. I miss hanging out with her every day. I know she misses us too. It’s a Thursday and I’m not working tonight. I stay up late after the kids go to bed just to keep with my sleep schedule, and Gwen always texts when she gets home from work. I call her when I get it so we can catch up on our day.
It’s 11:40 and she hasn’t texted. I assume she was exhausted after her shift and fell asleep, but when my phone rings I leap up to answer it in a panic. She never calls.
“What’s wrong?” I don’t even say hello.
“You’re never going to fucking believe what just happened to me!”
“What? Are you hurt? Do you need me to come and getyou?”
“Shit no!” She laughs. “Why do you always assume the worst?”
“Well… I don’t know. It just seems whenever the phone rings when it’s not supposed to it means bad news is coming.”
“Well, this isn’t bad. It’s unexpected and weird as hell.”
“Okay…” I pause. I’m not sure where this is going, but Gwen sounds excited and I’m instantly relieved.
“I got pulled over for speeding!” she exclaims through a giggle.
My mouth scrunches up to the side as I scratch my head. She seems awfully happy for such crappy news. “I’m sorry?” I question.
“Wait, I’m not telling this right. You’re going to want to sit down for this!”
I head over to my couch, and at her insistence, I shake out my arms to relax myself. “Okay, I’m sitting and I’m as relaxed as I can possibly be under the circumstances.”
“I’m at your door. Let me in!”
“You’re what?” I catapult from the couch to the door. Sure enough, she’s standing there.
“I just had to see your face when I told you.”
Roscoe lets out a few small barks until he realizes who she is, and then he instantly begins to lick her hand. She anxiously leads me back to my couch.
