Page 26 of Enough
What am I going to do? Do I really want another baby?
I glance down at my stomach and feel angry. I stare up at the ceiling in the bathroom.Do you hate me? Why would you do this to me? Another mouth to feed? Another six years until I can focus on me instead of someone else.Tears spill down my face. “I don’t want to do this again! I don’t want this!” I shout through sobs at my ceiling.
Then, like a light illuminating a dark room, I realize what I’m saying. I stare down once again at my stomach and the tears come even harder. “Of course I want you,” I whisper as I caress my belly. “Of course I love you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just scared.” I was scared both times I waspregnant before, and God gifted me the best two kids in the world. This baby is a gift. He or she was meant to be.
I cross my legs and rub my stomach as I think. Maybe a baby would somehow bring Mike and me closer together. Marlow would be thrilled. I start to smile as I remember the smell of baby lotion and wriggle of tiny, perfect toes. I press my lips together at the thought of first smiles and first words and getting to do it all over again after I’d thought I was finished.
Suddenly my anger is replaced with resolve mixed with love.This will all work out. I get another chance to be a better mom.Everything happens for a reason, I say to myself. I push myself up from the floor and reach out to grab my phone on the sink. I need to call Mike and tell him. I dial his number as I turn and eye myself in the mirror. I turn to the side on the first ring.I’m going to eat healthy foods. I’m going to avoid soda.Shoot! I had a Diet Coke!Second ring.Eh, one soda should be fine. Tomorrow I’ll go back to Walton’s and get some… No! Tomorrow I’ll go to the fresh mart and get veggies. Then maybe to that new baby store on the corner for some onesies. Little yellow onesies.Third ring.Maybe Mike will want to find out the sex of the baby. I must be over two months. I’d better call Dr. Gernsbaugh.I get Mike’s voicemail. I don’t want to tell him via voicemail, do I? No… of course not.
“Hey, it’s me! I’ve got some great news, but I don’t want to tell you on the phone! Can you come home early tonight so we can talk? Okay, love you, bye!”
As I press end I realize I just told Mike I loved him. I haven’t said those words out loud, much less in my head, in forever. Maybe this is God’s way of making things better.
I pace back and forth as I giggle to myself. It’s four. Gwen’s at work already. I bite my lip and text her.
Everly:I know you’re at work but call me ASAP!
I press send and decide to call Grandma Kay. I have to tell someone. I’m going to burst. Just as I reach her name in my contacts, my phone blares out with Gwen’s ringtone Muse’s “Assassin.”
“What’s up? Why the ASAP?” she asks.
“Can you talk?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I’m pregnant!”
“You’re what?” she shrieks.
“Yep. You’re going to be Auntie Gwen again!”
“OH. MY. GAWD!” she yells. “I’m so excited! Just please tell me somehow it’s not Mike’s.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s Mike’s.”
She laughs. “Damn, I was hoping you had a torrid affair with a hot athlete in town for a hockey game or something.”
“Yeah… I met him at Walton’s while I was getting ice cream. He took one look at my fat ass in yoga pants and we had sloppy sex in the aisle.”
Gwen laughs hysterically. “Are you happy?”
I think about her question for a moment. “Yeah,” I respond. “I am. I wasn’t at first, but now I realize how lucky I am to be having another baby, and I can honestly say that I feel really good. Really happy. For once, I think it’s going to be okay!”
“If you’re happy, so am I!” I can hear in her voice that’s it’s genuine. “So if I’m the first, does that mean you haven’t told Mike yet?”
“I tried calling him, but I got his voicemail.”
“Well, there’s a shocker,” Gwen states with pure,unadulterated sarcasm.
I laugh lightly. “I’m going to turn this whole thing around. We’re older now. We’re not struggling as much as we were before. I think he’s going to be excited. It’s going to be a new shot at being better parents for the both of us.”
“Hmm. Hey, sorry, but I gotta go. Call me later after you tell him. Love you, girl.”
“Love you too. And Gwen?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. Thank you for being happy for me.”
