Page 26 of Follow Me
“I’ve changed treatment providers because I hit a plateau and needed to go a different direction with my recovery.”
That was an answer the men had helped her come up with yesterday as a way to hopefully deflect well-meaning friends from dragging her into a conversation where she’d feel she needed to justify her actions. It was also far less rude than, “It’s not your concern,” which she knew she wouldn’t feel comfortable using in most cases.
“Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday?”
“It was a busy day yesterday. I had an appointment, had to go grocery shopping—”
“I would have come taken you shopping.”
Mal took a deep breath. “I know, Mom. But there are things I needed to do on my own. There will be a lot of things I need to do on my own for a while. I promise when I need your help, I will ask for it.”
“Well, can I come over today and help you with the house or something?”
Mal summoned her strength. “Mom, I’m fine, really. If I need help, I’ll ask Kel.”
“I thought you said you made him move out?”
“He hasn’t moved out. He’s just not sleeping here right now, because I need…space. Temporarily. There are thingsbothof us need to work on, and we can’t do it right now like this if we’re on top of each other all the time. My goal is to work through this plateau and reach a point where we can be living together full-time. I still love him and want to be married to him. I’mnotseparated from him, I’mnotdivorcing him.”
“So who’s going to watch out for you and make sure you’re eating?”
Mal knew this was coming from a place of love, but it was that exact kind of thinking that had gotten her stuck in the first place, that sheneededsomeone watching over her to succeed.
“I have tools and safeguards in place to help with that,” she assured her. “And it’s actually time for me to eat my morning snack, so I’m going to let you go.”
“Wait!”
Mal didn’t want to hang up on her, so she hesitated. “Mom?”
“I love you, honey.” She sounded choked up. “Please, if I lose you, it’ll kill him, too.Pleasethink about what you’re doing.”
Mal sighed. “Mom, I know what we were doing with my other treatment team stopped working. I promise, I haven’t stopped treatment. I’m in a different treatment now. It’s like if you take one medication for an infection and it’s not working, or stops working because your body grows immune to it, you have to try something different. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up or not fighting. It means you’re serious about overcoming it. That’s what I’m doing now.”
She hated that she knew Michelle was crying from the soft sniffles she heard. “Okay, sweetie. Just know if you need anything, I’m here for you both.”
“I know, Mom. And I love you for it.”
Finally, Mal got her off the phone and headed to the kitchen to do exactly what she’d told Michelle she needed to do—eat.
She actually realized halfway through her snack that she didn’t feel any of the resentment that had been building in her over the past couple of months during mealtimes, especially when she’d had little to no control over the actual process of the meal or snack beyond consuming it.
Doyle, Niall, and Doug had told the dietician Mal’s concerns, which she’d relayed during their phone conversations. The meal plan given to her actually gave her options, both for meals and snacks.
She wasn’t allowed to eat the same thing more than twice in a row, to try to keep her from dropping into the habit of eating the same things for every meal. She had two different options for every snack and meal for this portion of her diet plan, and had been told if she maintained or gained weight, it would open up more flexibility on the meal plan, which would be earned by her progress.
Just like she’d earn freedoms from her daily routines with the men as she maintained her rituals. One of the first goals would be compliance with texting them her meals and snacks. That would earn her the freedom to not text them with pictures of every meal and snack, as long as she logged them in the tracker so they could keep tabs on her progress.
But every bit of freedom had to be earned as a privilege, and restrictions would be added for noncompliance.
One of her goals was for the men to be able toshowKel she was handling this on her own, and teaching him how to observe and keep tabs on her without trying to actively manage her. Part of her problems now, she realized, stemmed from how her uncle had tried to control her throughout her life, something she hadn’t readily figured into the equation until recently.
It’d been one of her phone conversations with Doug last week that had triggered the full realization, when he started digging into why she was feeling resentful, what it reminded her of, and then it all snapped into place.
The irony didn’t escape her that she loved Kel having control of her in most ways.
Unfortunately, until she was able to separate the positives and negatives in her own mind, she knew she needed to walk this new path alone, until her footing felt sure and steady.
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