Page 34 of Follow Me
It took every ounce of strength Kel had to finally whisper it. “I’mscared. What if I get my hopes up again, andthisis the time I can’t pull her back from the edge soon enough and I lose her forever?”
He closed his eyes and sobbed, hating to feel so weak, glad she wasn’t there to witness his breakdown. It was bad enough he’d cried in front of her that day he’d brought her home from Tampa. He couldn’t pile the weight of his emotional darkness and fears onto her.
Hewouldn’tdo that to her.
He heard Niall heavily sigh and the chair creak as he stood. Then Niall engulfed him in a hug. “She’s not the only one needin’ a hug, aye?” he gently said. “Ye need to come talk to us. I’m not goin’ to give ye too many more warnings about this before the three of us put our heads together an’ modify the plan to keep her safe. Yecan’tkeep goin’ like this.”
“What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to sit there and tell you how fucking miserable I am? How my heart hurts because she lost the baby? What it felt like holding my dead daughter in my arms and trying to hide my broken heart from Mal after I got her home because I was afraid she was going to kill herself out of grief? That she felt guilty over something that wasn’t her fault, and here I was feeling shitty that maybeIwas guilty because she got mad at me and we had a fight a few days before she lost the baby, all because I was trying to be protective of her? Or how terrified I am that I might have to bury my wife, too?”
Niall hugged him a little tighter. “Andthat’swhy ye need to come talk to us,” he said. “Because ye need to get all this off yer chest. Ye’re just as stuck as she is, but in different ways. She’s a food anorexic—you’re an emotional one.”
* * * *
Kel pulled himself together after Niall left. He had to, because he was supposed to pick up Mal soon to take her to a movie for a date night.
Except he almost considered canceling, because he wasn’t sure he could remain calm around her.
When the thought hit him that maybe Niallwasright—since, well,goddamn, he’d been right so far—Kel shoved it out of his brain.
He could only process so much at one time, and he’d already hit his limit.
Still, he wouldn’t refuse spending time with Mal. So he finished what he’d been working on, saved his file, and headed upstairs to take a shower.
Tonight he’d have to try to pretend she wasn’t a shadow of her former self, pretend not to notice any shocked or judgmental looks she’d no doubt draw from others who noted her appearance, and then fight the urge to go after people for looking at her like that. Her face and neck still looked hauntingly gaunt, no matter how she might try to hide her body.
She was his wife, and he loved her, and wanting to punch people who made her feel less-than was something he couldn’t help. He’d nearly gone after her uncle that night they’d moved her out of the house and in with him. He’d stood there and silently dared the man to say or do something.
He took a deep, calming breath and channeled his strength into trying to process what Niall had told him.
Tried not to feel like he was a failure for not being able to help Mal more than he had.
By the time he picked Mal up he felt he’d mostly succeeded with all of that and even managed a smile for her.
Still, when she hugged him hello he couldn’t bring himself to give her a stronger hug than he had been lately, more letting her lean against him and hold him.
He closed his eyes and pictured his sweet goddess the way she’d been, tried to force himself to hug her harder…
And he couldn’t.
Maybe Niall’s right andIneed more help than I thought I did.
They had a good evening, though. Instead of trying to be hyper-vigilant about everyone else, he decided to focus only on her. It made his heart ache even more, because—before—they used to think nothing about going out to a movie or dinner.
Things used to be so…easybetween them.
He’d taken their perfection for granted, never thought things would ever spin out of control like they had.
Parenthood had been a shocker, but he’d embraced it, made dreams with her, built it up in his head what he thought they’d have.
And then…
Then.
“Are you all right?” she asked when they were settled in their seats in the theater.
He forced a smile. “I’m all right, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead. “I’m just glad I’m with you.”
At least that was something he didn’t have to lie about.
