Page 35 of Follow Me
Chapter Ten
Vague terror filled Mallory as she stood in front of the mirror Sunday evening and stared at her reflection. Despite her earlier promise to herself not to do it, she stepped on the scale before getting dressed.
Unchanged.
Which…wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad, either. The two pounds she’d gained last week were staying put. Meaning when she saw Doug and Niall tonight at dinner, she’d be able to honestly tell them she hadn’t backslid.
It surprised her to realize how proud that made her feel, too, especially considering how shitty the week had been.
It made her all the more determined to do this, to succeed this time.
Because so far, everything about this attempt had felt different in positive ways. She wasn’t enjoying not sleeping with Kel every night, but with every day that passed, she knew she’d made the right decision, and hopefully it wouldn’t be long before she could ask him to return home.
Maybe longer before she asked for her collar back, but it was still her goal.
But as she stared at herself in the mirror, she wondered how it was lying to her. She wore leggings and a cute tunic top she’d seen on Amazon that looked a lot cuter on the model than it did on her. Despite ordering it two sizes smaller than she would have wornbefore, and despite cautions in reviews for it that it ran small, it still hung off her, enveloping her.
But it wasn’t one of the baggy, shapeless maxi dresses she’d defaulted to in recent months. Her legs were visible from mid-thigh down, her hips, her ass. No matter what the scale told her, no matter what logic told her, when she looked at her reflection, she saw the woman she thought of as “fat.”
At least her muscle tone was returning. She did yoga every morning, and used small weights to do slow, low-impact exercises that would help her continue to rebuild muscle tone.
When a memory hit her, of standing in front of this same mirror with Kel’s arms around her, a smile on his face as he felt the baby kick, she had to choke back a sob.
She closed her eyes and ran through her mantras.
I am enough.
I am more than my body.
The one that gutted her now even more than the final one had in the beginning—Kel has always loved me the way I am. He fell in love with me the way I was. I am, and always have been, good enough for my Master.
Niall, Doyle, and Doug had all assured her that whenthatone stopped hurting so much, she’d have made a great deal of progress.
Opening her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath and forced herself to turn away from the mirror. Her one brave act today was to not question how she looked for dinner tonight, not to second-guess herself or change clothes, now that she was dressed. Kel would be meeting her at June and Scrye’s, and May and her husband, Jim, would be there, too. And Doug, Niall, Etsu, and Aden.
And Niall was going to talk to Kel and tell him she’d been calling the three of them “Sir” and gauge his reaction.
If she could make it through tonight and feel calm, and feel like she was in control and not defaulting to unhelpful behaviors with Kel, her next step would be going with Kel to Sigalo’s for dinner next Saturday night.
All in preparation for facing Kel’s mom and Chelbie and her men, and Chelbie’s parents, for Thanksgiving.
My friends love me.
Another mantra she’d never before realized how difficult it was to internalize.
She stopped at the nursery door and stood there for a minute, eyes closed, breathing.
It’s not my fault. I did nothing wrong.
Understanding the logic of it, and actuallybelievingit, were two different animals entirely. After a year-plus of work, it’d still been stuck there, like a toxic wart on her soul, tied to her unresolved issues with her uncle, and her grief over losing her parents so young.
Because her uncle had made her feel less-than in an attempt to keep her dependent upon him.
She reached out and touched the door.
Tomorrow morning.
Doug had told her not to set a timeline for herself to face this until she knew she could meet it. That it was okay to wait to set the timeline, but not okay to set herself up for failure.
