Page 122 of The Chaos She Brings
Carina gets out too and they both surround her, wrapping her into a big embrace.
I zoom in when they pull away.
Her shoulders shake.
Face red and splotchy.
She’s crying.
My stomach twists, a slow, sickening churn. My fingers dig into my ribs, as if I can physically claw out the hollow ache spreading inside me.
Tess doesn’t have any bags with her. After everything that’s happened, she lost all of the belongings she brought with her after the break-in.
It’s surreal how long ago that feels. It’s only been two months since we met. Two months since Carina convinced me to help her friend in the middle of the night and I begrudgingly agreed.
I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose as I forcecalming breaths into my lungs.
If I could go back, and never meet her, would I?
I already know the answer.
I’d meet her a thousand times over because even a second spent in Tess’s presence would be better than never knowing her. Never knowing what it’s like to feel her warmth, to bask in the glow that isher.
I’d take all the craziness over the past few months to hear her laugh, to watch her dancing while cooking when she thinks no one is watching, to listen to her incessant chatter about everything and nothing.
Then why am I pulling away?
I already know the answer to that too.
She left me.Climbed out of bed in the middle of the night without a backward glance and handed herself over to Nikolai, knowing that it meant tying herself to another man for the rest of her life.
She wasn’t even willing to look for another option. She didn’t fight for us.
Neither did my father.
He could’ve stayed. He could’ve fought. But instead, he did the one thing I swore I’d never forgive. He left. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like I wasn’t even worth a second thought.
And now, Tess has done the same damn thing.
I tell myself it’s different. That Tess had no choice. That she did it to protect herself. Protect me. But the justifications don’t quiet the gnawing ache in my chest. If she wanted to stay, wouldn’t she have found another way? If she wanted me as much as I wanted her, wouldn’t she have fought? Just like he could have fought. But he didn’t. And neither did she.
I tell myself I’m not like him. That I’d never be capable of that kind of cruelty. But here I am, doing the next worst thing. Letting her go. Pushing her away before she can destroy me completely.
42
Fall Apart
Tess to Kai: Please don’t push me away. [unsent]
Tess
“Youcontinuetoastoundme, Tess.”
I jump out of my fucking skin at the sound of a woman’s voice. I press my hand to my chest, feeling my erratic heart rate as my back collides with the front door I just closed behind me.
The unmistakable Russian lilt tells me who’s voice it is.
Steeling my spine, I narrow my eyes in her direction, catching sight of her fiery red hair. I cross my arms in front of myself. “What are you doing here? Got another husband for me?” I sneer. I have to congratulate myself on how little of my fear is seeping into my words even though my insides are twisting.
