Page 56 of Matters of a Duke's Heart
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Later that night, he had made his decision. He wanted to tell Felicity about Lady Helena, and he wanted to assure her how finished that ordeal was, and how it had been for a very long time.
After dinner, he invited Felicity into his study, much to her surprise.
“This is new,” she noted, and he gave a half smile of acknowledgement. “You do not like anybody in
your study.”
“Usually,” he agreed, “but you are not anybody. You are my wife.” He nodded to the leather couch and walked over to the bar where, only hours before, Rupert had stood and advised him strongly to be open about Lady Helena. Instead of brandy, he poured two glasses of rich wine and offered her a glass. “I want to speak with you about something.”
“As do I, truthfully,” she answered, surprising him. He paused, joining her on the couch. Outside, the evening had already fallen into darkness, and he could see the moon shining overhead. He’d requested candles be lit around his study, allowing the room to feel more intimate rather than stiff and oppressive—as it often had the tendency to be when he overworked himself.
“What is it?” he asked Felicity.
“I wanted to ask about your late wife.”
Spencer went still. He hadn’t been expecting that at all. “What about her?”
Felicity eyed him. “You do not quite sound as defensive as I was braced for you to be.”
“I do not feel defensive,” he agreed. “She was a large part of my life, and she gave me Alexander, and while we did not quite have the life together that either of us imagined…” he trailed off.
Sometimes the memory of Sophia was a well, and he could not let himself fall into it lest he drown, but other moments he felt able to swim, to hold his head above the surface, because talking about her would be the thing to finally let him move on, surely.
He nudged the bruise in his heart that was his late wife, finding it didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would do.
For now, he would answer Felicity, and he would tell her about Lady Helena later. He couldn’t handle speaking about both ladies of his past in one night but wanted to honor his wife’s questions.
“Sophia and I…” He paused. “We met at her debutante ball. I was not her first suitor, but I was one of her most notable, she told me. The day of our wedding, the way she looked at me made me believe that I knew what love felt like.” He inhaled sharply.
“The thing, though, is that the love we had quickly faded. We had Alexander very soon, and I think… well, I do not know. Perhaps motherhood was not something she truly wanted.
“She began to leave the house late at night. She would dine with me, only to hurry out barely an hour later. She did not know I always waited up, waiting for the day that she would confess to me. I really loved her, but she left me night after night in this house, and it took me a long time to finally accept that she no longer loved me. I do not know why, or what happened, but suddenly the lady I had married had changed.
“Our marriage turned bitter quickly. Laughter died out, the hallway turned silent, and we soon stopped finding reasons to seek one another out. There was nothing to speak about anymore. Over time, I found myself unable to blame her for seeking other attention.”
Spencer swallowed hard and drank some wine. Felicity’s attention was rapt, unwavering, and he was grateful for it. She sat close, her hand placed between them on the couch, as if she wanted him to know she was there for a physical grounding should he need it.
“This coldness between us went on for a very long time, until one night, she… she was leaving to once again meet with a lover. I tried to chase her down, for I kept asking her to simply tell me if she was seeing another man. I would have offered her another estate to move out into if she truly could not bear me that much. But she denied it—every time she denied it, and every time she snuck out, I felt another piece of myself break off and die on the wind behind her.
“And that night, I—” He stopped, steadied himself. The wine tasted too heavy on his tongue, and he willed it to tug him up and away from his feelings lest he fall into them. “I followed her. From the shadows, I watched her saddle a horse, always glancing behind her. I had never gone as far to chase her. She rode out into the night, and I followed her. I am not even certain if she knew I trailed her, but we were barely out of the estate’s perimeter before her horse spooked at something.”
“Your presence?” Felicity gasped.
Spencer couldn’t help but shrug. “I do not know. I do not like to think that may have been the case. The guilt would be my end, I think, if I had to consider such a thing. But one moment she was riding out, the next her horse reared back and tossed her from her saddle. Sophia—she fell, her head hit the estate’s boundary wall, and she was gone immediately. I was left to find her body, to bring her back to the manor that she hated and left to raise our son.” He looked around himself. “Left to sit in this house that slowly died after its mistress. I could not rise above any of it—the guilt, the way the rumors speculated I had caused it in more ways than one. I never truly saw the point of putting the rumors to right. After a while, it seemed pointless, and at the start, I could not believe anybody believed me capable of hurting her.”
Spencer’s chest ached terribly, and he pushed a hand against his ribcage, trying to shift the way hurt lodged in him. “Yes, I wasangry, and I was bitter, but I never would have ended her life over her betrayals.”
“Spencer,” Felicity whispered. “Spencer, I am so sorry.”
“It is long in the past,” he told her quickly. “Sophia’s death is something I have grieved, but I am left with the cold, distant scars of…” His eyes met hers before he looked away quickly. “Of wondering if history is destined to repeat itself. I am terrified of not being enough for you, Felicity. Of you growing tired of my coldness, of you wanting more, of you seeking romance as you deserve it. In all honesty, I was surprised you ever agreed to marry me, given how viciously the ton must have gossiped about me.”
The study fell silent around them, and Spencer tried not to focus on the ticking of the clock in the corner, but he couldn’t help it.
He had watched that clock plenty of times, waiting for Sophia to come home. But not once had Felicity ever kept him waiting, or guessing, or questioning her devotion to their marriage. Whether she felt affection toward him or not, she had shown her loyalty.
“What happens when this is all not enough?” he voiced quietly.
