Page 62 of Matters of a Duke's Heart
“I have a son,” he told her. “You must know—”
“I am not speaking about Lady Sophia. I know the marital duties a woman must go through.”
At her cold comment, Spencer flinched. “She did not do it out of duty.”
“And Lady Helena?”
“I—I was overwhelmed by the ton, and by grief, and what they were saying about me. She was a social outcast for being too much of a climber in ranks. She flirted and wooed every man, and I—Felicity, I wanted to feel less of a shell. That was all I had felt since Sophia’s death. Lady Helena… she was—”
“Fun?”
“Different,” he corrected carefully. “But she was not for me as my wife.”
“No, your wife was on a list,” Felicity murmured distantly. “Is that true?”
Guilt flooded Spencer’s face. “Felicity, it is not as heartless as that sounds.”
“Clinical,” she said instead. “Methodical.”
“Yes,” he agreed, his face tightening into a scowl. “Yes, for you know how it was between us. A very formal, transactional arrangement, but we—we have each changed, have we not? I confessed as much to you the other night in my study. You have changed me. My heart was cold, it was most certainly cold withLady Helena, but with you I am warm again. Do you not see that? I did not think I could feel such affection after Sophia left me night after night, not until I truly began to see you.”
“And when you see me,” she said slowly, “do you see me, or do you simply see the woman you need to raise your son?”
“I see my wife,” he told her. “I see a strong Duchess of Langdon. I see you, Felicity.”
Her eyes met his, her lower lip wobbling. “Then come to me,” she whispered, stepping aside, out of the doorway. “Come into my bed tonight and—and show me I have nothing to fear from Lady Helena’s past with you.” Her throat tightened. “Show me I am more than just a duty-bound, convenient figure in your life.”
Her stomach clenched with unbearable nerves.
This was not how my first night was meant to go, she thought desperately, half wanting him to decline, and half wanting him to sweep her up in passion he claimed to not be able to avoid.
I wanted to be overwhelmed with love and desire, be guided to bed by my doting husband, to truly experience pleasure in its most elaborate form.
“I cannot.” Spencer’s rejection dully hit her in the chest. “I cannot, for I do not think you want—”
“Then leave.” Felicity’s voice was barely a murmur, barely making it past her tight throat. “Leave me be and spare me further humiliation.”
“Felicity, it is not that I do not want—”
She had already hurried back into her room and slammed the door behind her. Falling to her knees, she cried into the side of her bed, aching and embarrassed.
Chapter 20
Spencer lay awake all night feeling wretched and awful and guilty and a whole myriad of things that clustered in his stomach like sludge.
Sophia had lurked over his thoughts all night, as if she might have been a phantom watching from the rafters of his chamber. Her face, mixed with that of Lady Helena’s, and then Felicity’s. Oh, how strong Felicity had looked, propositioning him. How she had pieced together her courage to ask that of him.
But he could not bear the thought of their physical intimacy happening as the result of a test, or proof.
He had wanted it to happen naturally, and he thought it had been heading that way.
He had seen the hesitation in her face, and he had thought they would both regret such intimacies happening for the first time in such a manner had he agreed. He would have taken her to her bed there and then, had he thought she had asked only out of desire.
Spencer craved her—he wanted her in every possible way, but not like that. Not in that situation.
I should have told her all along about Lady Helena¸ he thought miserably. Rupert had been right, and Spencer should have pushed that night in the study to continue their conversation.
After all, he had told her he wanted to discuss something with her but let himself be sidetracked by talk of Sophia. And then he had been distracted chasing the taste of wine on Felicity’s lips, and Lady Helena’s behavior had been forgotten in the back of his mind.
