Page 68 of Matters of a Duke's Heart
“I believe it does,” he insisted. “Felicity, I do not care about Lady Helena. I do not care about the infernal eyes of the ton, or what they think. What I should have said to you that morning is do not leave. I should have begged you to stay, no matter what. I—I turned down your advance the night prior—”
“Please, do not,” she whispered, her eyes closing. “I do not have the strength right now.”
He nodded. “Of course. I apologize. But—Felicity, I must tell you something.” He moved closer to her side, gathering her hand in his. “I love you. I love you, and I have been terrified to say it for every reason you already know, but mostly I am afraid to say it because I do not know yet how to be half the man you deserve to be married to. I want you—I want you in every conceivable way, and I want my entire life with you. I understand if that is no longer what you want, and it will break my heart to find a resolution for that, but I will do it if it means you are happier living without me than with me. I could never force you to stay, but I must ask you to…”
He couldn’t understand why Felicity looked so distressed, what stopped her from believing his confession, but he pushed all that aside. He moved back, giving her space. “You do not have to say anything,” he told her. “But I wished to say that. I would like to take you home, if that is all right with you. We can speak there, and you can rest, and… well, there is a little boy there who is desperate to see you again.”
He gave Felicity a soft smile, and he sighed happily at how she hesitantly returned it. Nodding, Felicity agreed. Spencer went to say more, but the door opened with a sudden bang, and they were interrupted by a very loud, very tearful Daphne.
“You are awake!”
Closely following was Rupert, and Spencer frowned, looking between the two.
Yet his focus couldn’t stay on the couple for very long, not when Felicity smiled at her sister, and Spencer truly realized: he would grant her anything that brought her happiness, even if it meant her happiness did not involve him.
***
Later that evening, Spencer brought Felicity into the drawing room at Bluebell Manor.
Setting her down gingerly on the settee, he assessed her ankle for any extreme pain. When she only shook her head to tell him nothing had changed, he stepped back. The concern still hadn’t lifted from her face, and her silence in the carriage had been near excruciating, but he knew he had hurt her. Just because she was back home with him did not mean she wasn’t still hurting.
The tension between them was fractured by a high squeal as Alexander thundered into the room.
“I knew it!” he cried. “I knew you would not leave us!”
He launched himself at her, throwing his arms around Felicity’s shoulders. “Of course I would not leave you.”
But something crossed her face—an anguish Spencer could not understand, and he hurriedly ushered Alexander back away. “Miss Felicity needs some space so she can get stronger to continue your woodland walks, all right?”
“Of course! Please rest good, Miss Felicity.”
“I will,” she promised, laughing. “How about you learn something in French and recite it to me when I am better? I will be ever so impressed.”
Alexander nodded eagerly before dashing off, already shouting to Miss Nightingale. It left Spencer and Felicity alone in the drawing room, and Spencer suddenly didn’t know how to approach the distance he sensed between them.
“Felicity—”
“Spencer—”
They stopped after speaking at the same time. Spencer shook his head and let out a soft laugh. “You first.”
“I must leave,” she blurted out. “For good, I mean.”
And Spencer’s heart crashed to the floor so hard he was certain he should have heard it . “What?”
“I cannot be his mother. I know that now, and I cannot be your wife. Not when you do not—not when you do not feel for me how I feel for you.”
“Felicity, I—whatever do you mean?”
He dropped to the settee to sit beside her. Her hands fidgeted on her lap, and he grasped them. For a second, she looked ready to pull away, but she let him hold her.
“You are my wife,” he murmured, reminding her. “And I swore a vow to you to take care of you, and I will.”
“Is that all it is?” she whispered. “I am merely a vow?”
“Heavens, no. No, that is not what I mean. A part of me feels as though I did not choose those vows, but if you were to ask me to retake them tomorrow, I would out of choice. I needed a mother for Alexander, yes, and I knew I could not remain unmarried forever. You were a name on the list, but I picked you for a reason. I love you, Felicity, and it has been a rocky journey to discover such a thing, I cannot ever deny that, but… my love is strong. It has been reluctant, and I think that only makes it stronger.”
Her eyes were ever so beautiful, ever so wide, and Spencer cupped her face, drawing her close.
