Page 55 of Unwell
My way to keep you mine.
I slipped down to the basement, where I’d found myself wandering on so many evenings. I’d watched the bad doctor up to his elbows in blood, or up to his balls in patients’ asses. Sometimes both at the same time. I’d been careful not to attract his attention during my stay. If the devil had come to earth, I was pretty sure he was trapped inside that sick man. The stink of mould and rot hit me as I waddled deeper, back into the room where the rats had been.
I’d seen them, wrapped in my missing ribbons. Crawling with wriggly little maggots.
I sank to my knees on the stone floor, the crochet hook warming against my fingers.
‘I’m sorry this has to be here,’ I told my baby. ‘You deserve somewhere nicer to greet the world. Or at least Pops’ barn, with all the soft hay and the cows’ warmth.’
The big room made me shiver. The distant sound of dripping water came like a ticking clock, counting down the seconds where I could keep her safe inside me. We’d had nine long months of bliss. As always, it had to end.
Squatting, I reached beneath my nightdress and pressed my fingers inside myself. Like Robert and Nancy had done. But I wasn’t looking for pleasure. I was looking for the donut of flesh that was usually there. It wasn’t there. Inside there was a soft ring, and something bulging in the centre.
I hoped that would make my next move easier. When I went to the hospital, the first time, the doctor had used the hook to make the baby come faster.
Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and pushed the hook against the rubbery mass. It was more difficult than I’d imagined. I pushed hard, and the hook slipped, catching the inside of my vagina. The pain was so bright it flashed in my skull. With a quaking breath, I tried again.
A loud pop sent a hot gush of water spilling down my thighs. It puddled on the floor beneath my feet in a sweet smelling pool. The crotchet hook fell to the floor as I removed my wet fingers and stood upright.
My bump became more angular, the little one’s limbs outlined sharply beneath the skin, and I marvelled at her.
‘I can’t wait to meet you, my little bean. Don’t make it too hard on me now. I’m going to need you to come out good and easy.’
Every step felt like fire in my crotch as I paced the concrete floor, the ribbon in my hair tickling my cheek as I doubled over when the first wave hit.
‘It’s just us now,’ I hissed through my teeth as the contraction ripped through me. I’d forgotten the pain. Like having my stomach rinsed out like a wet old towel. ‘Just you and me. They took Elijah away. But I’ll get you here. I’ll keep you safe.’
Time stopped making sense as the hours wore on. The dripping water was like a ticking directly in my skull. I leaned and panted and cried. Walked and crouched and quaked.
Each contraction came harder, feeling like it was tearing me open from the inside out. I clawed at thestone floor until my nails split, leaving red streaks on the filthy concrete. The rats had scratched too. My thighs trembled as I rocked my hips, trying to make more space for my angel to come through.
And I cried for my mother, even after she'd abandoned me.
‘Mama!’ The sound ripped out of me in a torrid scream. ‘Mama, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please?—‘
But Mama didn’t come no matter how much I pleaded.
Nobody came.
Only the echo of my own begging, bouncing back at me in the dark.
I bit my fist until I tasted metal, trying to muffle the noise in case someone heard. If they found me, they’d take my baby.
Sweat dripped over my skin, stinging my eyes and wetting my spine. The pain built and built until I thought I might die. Each panting breath pushed her lower. Split me wider.
‘She’s worth it. She’s worth it,’ I repeated until my throat grew hoarse and the contractions fell on top of each other with no peace between. I knelt on all fours, with my thighs split wide as I went from screams to deep, feral groans.
Then the pushing came. A deep primal urge to force this child out onto the earth. I thought of Elijah whispering in my ear and Nancy’s soft hands on my skin, of Mama’s curses and silence.
I bore down through all of it, through the hurt, through the blood, through the fear.
Reaching between my legs, I felt her. The soft fuzzy globe of her head. And my cunt split wide around it. I kept my hand there as I bore down, pouring every ounce of strength I had left into that horrific, burning push.
Her head arrived with fiery pain, and relief. My child rested in that tiny sliver between the safety of my womb and the danger of the world.
The last wave hit, savage and all-consuming, as I screamed her out. Her little body slipped out onto the floor with a gelatinous slop, my hand supporting her head.
Then a sound so thin it nearly split my heart came.
