Page 29 of Unwell
Nancy moved behind me, wiping in lingering strokes down my back. Her fingers followed the ragged material, making me sigh. My chest ached in a way I didn’t understand. No one had touched me so kindly in years. Not since I’d disappointed my mama so much that her kindness dried up like the mud flats in August. Nancy touched me like I was worth more than just anger and pain.
But in the woods, Elijah had touched me with hate on his smoke-stained breath. He no longer came to me in my bed, like he used to on the farm, instead cornering me against rough bark in the woods. I felt it again as the water trickled over me. The tree scraping against my spine, twigs digging into my thighs as he pressed me beneath him. One hand over my mouth to stifle my protests while the other secured my wrists above my head. His breath was hot and sour in my ear, ‘Be still, you bad girl. You know you like it like this.’
I flinched, even though Nancy’s hand washed tender circles on my shoulders.
‘Elijah,’ I whispered, lost in the memory of the woods.Don’t tell. If you tell, they’ll all know what you are.His voice slipped in like smoke, curling around my throat.
Nancy’s hand slipped down over my hip, then paused on my belly. She held her palm there for countless breaths. She was so warm. Sometimes her touch felt like it sank in past my skin and cradled me and my babe from within.
‘How could anyone hurt you?’ Nancy’s voice softened.
In the woods, Elijah found ways. Even without the biting metal cuffs and his belt. It always got worse as birth approached, like my nearness offended him. My remaining hair was twisted in his fist while he yanked my head back hard enough to make me cry. My scalp burned as he snarled,Not nearly as fuckable with it hacked off. Ugly girl. But I still need to make sure you behave, don’t I?
I choked on a fresh surge of tears. But Nancy didn’t treat me like everyone else. She was sweet and kind and loved me.
When Nancy lifted the towel to dry me, her eyes caught on my heavy breasts. I looked down, and heat burned my face. A pearly cream-coloured bead had welled at the tip of my nipple.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, wiping the milky residueaway. Not that it stopped another drop from taking its place. ‘It does that sometimes…near the end.’
Elijah’s voice slithered back into my head, sharp as a blade:Look at you, leaking like a cow. ‘Who’d want you now? You’re ruined.’I remembered the way he’d laughed, shoving me down into the dirt, careful to avoid my stomach, but manhandling me until I cried. ‘Might as well put a bucket under you, heifer. Even now, you wriggle like a slut on my cock, don’t you? Ready for the next baby before this one’s even cooked.’
Nancy didn’t look away. She just stared, her mouth opening as she inhaled. The droplet caught the light, blooming against the dimpled skin. Nancy watched it as though it was the most fascinating thing she’d ever seen. Her breath grew heavier with each passing moment.
Her hand moved mine aside. With two fingers she smeared the bead across my breast. She trailed the oily milk with her fingertip, circling my nipple in a way that made me moan.
I froze as heat rushed into my cheeks.
‘Please don’t…’ Shame filled my voice at the feeling the sensation brought up. Feeling that only Elijah usually brought out. Mostly after he’d shared his rum and whispered enough sweet things to convince me into my bed back at the farm.
Nancy didn’t answer. She pinched my nipple gently between a finger and thumb and pumped them up and down. More welled up, swelling until the drop grew heavy enough to trickle.
We both watched as it slid, slow and glistening, over the curve of my breast.
Nancy made a sound, a low sigh that bordered on a lusty whimper.
My breath shuddered as I was caught between shame and something I didn’t know the name for. The heat in my face spread to my chest, and my stomach, and lower. I squeezed my thighs together under the water, but it didn’t alleviate the ache.
Nancy’s eyes stayed fixed on me. Never left the welling milk. She touched me like I was something miraculous.
Ruined girl,Elijah’s voice hissed through me. ‘Ugly girl. Dirty girl. You’ll always be bad. You like it when I hurt you.’
I wanted to push Nancy’s hand away and hide myself from her adoration. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because for the first time, someone touched me without seeking something for themselves. Nancy looked at me as though my pregnant body wasn’t disgusting. As though it was beautiful.
It was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But the wrongness shifted into something that made my whole body flush.
‘Does he get rough often?’ Nancy asked, her voice thick, as if she’d just pulled herself back from somewhere far away.
I shook my head. ‘Not always. Only when I’m bad.’
Her eyes took on a fierce burn.
‘Oh, sweetie. It’s not your fault. You’re nothing butgood. Don’t let him make you think that you’re bad. He did this to you.’
But Elijah’s words screamed louder. ‘Bad girl. Ugly girl. Not worth lovin’.’
I clung to the edge of the tub, focusing on the warmth of Nancy’s hand which had returned to my belly. My tears spilled onto my cheeks.
‘You were wrong,’ I whispered. ‘He hates my hair.’
