Page 6 of His Loving Guidance
Chapter Three
Cool water rushed down Lucy’s throat. She closed her eyes, praying the dizziness would leave. Tall blades of grass tickled her arms, and she inhaled the soothing scent of Blue Vervain, the tall clustered flowers that dotted the roadside, mile after mile.
“Careful. Not so fast. Small sips, Lucy, small sips.” James pried the bottle from her lips and rubbed her back while she lowered her head, putting it back between her knees where she sat on the ground. He had pulled over just in time to save her from getting sick.
“I can’t believe I got carsick. I haven’t gotten carsick since I was a kid.” She grinned, though her eyes remained clamped shut. “And I always blamed that on my mother’s crazy driving.”
“This is one hell of a windy road. It’s no wonder you got sick. Only thirty more minutes and we’ll be there. And then you won’t have to get back in a car for three whole weeks. I promise.”
She raised her head slightly, enjoying the sun’s warmth on her face. “Do you ever wish you would’ve married a woman with a normal family?”
“Lucy, I don’t want to hear nonsense from you right now.”
“I’m being serious. My father has kids with four different women. I have half-brothers and half-sisters I’ve never met. Probably a few I don’t even know about. My mother keeps letting bums shack up with her. My sister keeps borrowing money from us, and now she’s living with us all summer. I mean, come on, James. Maybe I’m no better than them, and now you’re stuck with me and all my stupid family crap.”
“Lucy Marie Willis, I don’t want to hear you talk like that. Ever. I don’t define you by your family, and you shouldn’t either. You’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known. I love you.”
“But your family is so normal. Your parents are still married and seem happy. Your brother has his head on straight. Sometimes I feel like white trash compared to you.”
Lucy heard James’ breath hiss between his teeth. Her eyes squinted open as he sat down on the grass next to her, all the while rubbing her back. God, he was too good to her.
“Lucy, it hurts me when I hear you talk badly about yourself. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want you thinking those thoughts.”
“You can’t control my thoughts.” The last of the wooziness passed and she sat up straighter, inhaling deeply, appreciating the scent of the nearby flowers, which reminded her of a lavender bush.
“Sweetheart, if I could, I’d pluck all those self-deprecating thoughts from your brain. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you how muchIthink of you.”
The floodgates opened. Lucy couldn’t hold back a second longer. All the hurts she’d bottled up, all the worries over what James thought of her during their bouts of fighting. Her lip quivered as a few angry tears rolled down her cheeks. “I used to think you regretted marrying me. I used to think I’d married someone too good for me. I was miserable. I felt like I was drowning after we moved here. Sometimes I thought we moved here so we wouldn’t have to live so close to my mother and sister. I know that was a stupid thought. I mean, I know how much you wanted to open the store with Amos and this was the perfect location. And I loved being far away from my family. Imagine that. But I still feared the reason for our move. I couldn’t breathe when I looked at the clock and knew you’d be home from work soon. I thought if I left you we’d both be happier. I wanted to divorce you, James. I wanted to divorce you and I never told you.”
Her shoulders heaved and she buried her face in her hands, sobbing like she had never sobbed before. She had spilled her guts, finally. The last horrible secret she could not bear to keep for one moment longer had come rushing out, tumbling from her lips in an unstoppable string of words. A confession of the deepest, darkest sort.
“Shh.” He pried her hands away from her face and enveloped her in a hug, forcing her to cry into his chest. Stroking her hair, he allowed her to cry herself silly, until the sobs subsided and she fell quiet against his strong, comforting hold.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She mumbled apologies. Even though she felt emotionally drained, James’ presence remained steadfast in her heart and soul, his calming words as he held her, and the way his body had not stiffened when she said the D-word. He was not shocked, and he had not pushed her away. As hard as it was to finally release the last secret she had clung to, a weight had lifted from her shoulders, freeing her from the past she had been desperate to escape.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Lucy.” Firm but kind, his words soothed her. “I have never regretted marrying you. Not once. Not even during the times we fought constantly. Back then, I was angrier at myself than I was with you. I pushed you away on purpose sometimes, Lucy. I hate that I did that.” He paused. “We’ll talk more when we get to the cabin. Do you think you can sit in the car again?”
She wiped at her face, nodding. “Yes.”
James helped her stand. Reaching up, he cupped her face and gazed into her eyes with an intensity that stripped her defenses down and made her feel safe at the same time. If she had had any more secrets to confess, she would have laid them at his feet without a moment’s hesitation.
“I love you, Lucy.”
She smiled. “I love you too, James.”
He arched an eyebrow at her as he brushed strands of tear-matted hair from her face. “Promise me one thing?”
“What?”
“You won’t keep apologizing for the things in our past.”
“I – I’ll try. But it’s hard. I feel so –”
“Guilty?”
“Yes.”
“Have you forgiven me for all the shit I put you through?”
