Page 51 of Into The Light
I nod and then shrug, tipping my head to one side. “Well, my parents’ beliefs—the beliefs they raised me with. I’m not so sure I agree with all of them anymore, is the thing. See, they believe that sex is sacred. Designed by God to exist exclusively within the confines of marriage. There should benophysical relationship before marriage. None. Zero. And even within marriage, there’s this…I dunno…a sort of unspoken idea that sex is meant for procreation—making kids. Not merely for enjoyment or pleasure. So, with Brennan and me, I was frustrated for a lot of our relationship. Or, honestly, all of it."
"Frustrated? Sexually, you mean?"
I nod. "Yeah. Well, not just sexually. In every way." I glance at him. 'Sorry, I guess this is probably weird and uncomfortable for you to talk about, huh? Me and my ex?"
He shakes his head. "It's part of you. It's important. I wanna understand."
"Okay, so…" I rub at my face with one hand, hunting for a way to explain what I’m feeling when I’m not entirely sure what I’m feeling myself. “What I’m struggling with is that I don’t believe that way anymore. But I don’t know what I believe in terms of sex, marriage, and physical relationships. You and Ijust met. I feel like I know you way more than the amount of time we've known other should allow, though, if that makes any sense."
He nods. "Does to me. I feel the same way."
"I don't think that there's anything wrong with sharing a physical connection with someone you care about,” I say. “Being intimate with someone you want to explore a long-term relationship with is just…I dunno. Normal? I don’t think it has to be only within marriage, either. I think that can complicate things, actually.” I sigh and spend a few moments staring at nothing, considering. “I realized recently that I never truly knew Brennan. I still don’t understand why he took things so excruciatingly slow and then was so…disinterested in me sexually but was having sexual affairs on the side withthreeother women. That just makes no sense. And it’s still messing with my head."
"He's just a liar and an asshole. Nothing to understand.” Bear rolls one heavy shoulder. “You were his public face—what he knew heshouldhave: a good girl with a good family. The correct relationship. Chaperones. All that silly shit. But he was a liar. Thought with his dick. Wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. Wasn’t you, it was him."
My mouth flaps open and closed a few times, shocked. He succinctly summarized the whole issue in a few sentences.
"I…" I look at him, shaking my head, processing what he just said. "Wow. Yeah. I guess I was looking for a deeper meaning or something."
"My experience, men aren't that deep. What happened, if you ask me, was he started off believing in your relationship. But as time went on, he started wanting things he didn't think you'd agree to. Or maybe, things he figured weren’t right in the context of your relationship. So he went and got it elsewhere."
I shake my head, disgusted all over again. "I would have given him whatever he wanted. I was always the one pushing the boundaries, and he was the one who always pulled us back. I always wanted more. I tried over and over again to spice things up with him. Try new things. I initiated intimacy all the time. And he wouldn’t turn me down, but…” I want to cry. “He just…he acted like he could take it or leave it. And when I suggested we try new things—you know, anything other than vanilla missionary sex, he…he never put it in so many words, but he made me feel…ashamed, I guess. Of myself. For wanting to go farther." I wipe my face. “He just always made me feel so insecure for being…sexual, I guess.”
"Fucking prick," Bear growls. "Shouldn't feel that way."
"That's what's confusing me now. With us. I want things with you, Bear. I really, really do. But is it too soon? We just met."
Bear doesn't answer for a long time. He licks his lips and tugs on his beard. “Noelle…” A pause. Starts over. “I got no clue how things like this are supposed to work. Never had a relationship.” He looks away, out the window, hiding his expression from me. “I’ve had sex. I’m not a thirty-two-year-old virgin or anything. I just… things were different for me, the way my life was back then. I was a gang-banger. A thug. Dunno what word you want to use. Not a good person. Did bad things. Hung around bad people. Hurt people. Stole things. Hooked up with girls just because. It was always mutual—I never…I never forced anyone.Never." His eyes fix on mine, pleading with me to believe him.
I squeeze his hand as hard as I can. "I know, Bear. Iknow. You wouldn't. Iabsolutelybelieve that."
He exhales slowly, a sound of relief. "I got no reference point for relationships, Noelle. All I know is that I feel big things for you. I think about you when I’m not with you. Wanna know more about you. But physically, I…" he trails off.
We're less than a block from my parent's house, but I pull over to the curb and hold the brake. "Bear, you can tell me anything. Okay? Anything.”
"I want a physical relationship with you, Noelle. Of course, I do. Been locked up with a few thousand other men for ten years. Sorta…sorta forgot a lotta shit about how life on the outside works. What things are like. Couldn’t tell you who I was with last or what it was like. Been so damn long it’s almost like a…a reset, or somethin'."
"Wow. I, um. that never occurred to me."
He shrugs. "No reason it would. Just saying. I don't expect anything, Noelle. I like spending time with you. That's all I need. If you wanna keep things just friends for a while, I got no problem with that. I understand."
"But you want more."
"Course I do. I mean, fuck. Look at you. You’re…" he shakes his head. "Exquisite. Breathtaking. I don't know a lotta fancy words. Just…yeah. I want more. The way you kissed me back there? Noelle, if you never wanted anything else but to be friends with me, I could die a happy fuckin' man because the most beautiful woman in the whole goddamn world kissedme. Okay? So don't stress. It's what you want it to be."
My throat is hot, my eyes burning. I can't stop a tear from leaking out and trickling down my nose. "God, Bear."
"Cryin’ again? What'd I say?"
I shake my head, laughing through my tears. "I'm not upset. You're just so sweet it hurts."
He frowns, perplexed. "Dunno what that means."
I lean over the console, take his face in my hands, and kiss him. "It means that was the most perfect answer I could have asked for. And then some."
"I'm not sure what to say."
I pull away from the curb. "You don't need to say anything. I'm just grateful I met you."
