Page 5 of Happy Krampus Xmas & the Meet Not Cute
“Are you talking about Santa Claus?” the minion finally speaks.
“Yesss. Magdalene’s product didn't fry all your neurons yet.” I stare at my indigo nails, loving the little silver stars on my middle fingers… They add some magical shite when I flip someone off. The sparkling diamond and rubies on my engagement ring distract me for a moment.
“Are you serious?” Santa’s minion’s question brings me back to him.
“Like a heart attack while watchingThe Ring,” I deadpan. “You see, I’m cursed. Tried to contact Krampus many times, but the bloody wanker doesn’t carry a phone. Perhaps his goody-too-shoes bro can help.”
“Are you fucking with me?”
“Does this mean that he’s too low on the pyramid scheme?” I turn to Ren.
“The what?” The minion looks confused and a tad irritated.
“He’s probably at the bottom of the pyramid.” Ren nods my way.
“So low, he doesn't even know about the pyramid,” Ash keeps going. The way they just go with it is splendid.
I glance at Michael and Raph. They are where we left them at the table, snogging like teenagers. “It was worth a try. You can go, old pervert.”
“Old…? I’ve had enough. Chantal,” he calls out. A girl wearing an elf costume slides out of the small green tent near the throne.The costume is ridiculously funny, down to the curly, bell-ringing shoes, but she sports it with no fucks given.
“I’m off,” the she-elf states, her tone hits the highest levels of boredom.
“Like I give a crap. Take care of these weirdos,” the minion says, sliding quickly off the throne before moving toward Magdalene.
“You’re the one lying to kids every day, and we are the weirdos?” I scream at the minion’s back.
“You can go with that or the hooker bit. Whatever you prefer,” Ren utters drily, clicking his tongue a couple of times.
“Let the old fart go. Jeff's the mall owner’s cousin. He practically does whatever the fuck he wants here.”
The she-elf is older than I thought, with black nail polish and two hoops on her lower lip and one under her nose. She’s looking at Ash with appreciation, and as he glares at her, she smirks.
“Drugs, prostitution, and horrible conduct at work. The guy is precious; whoever gave him this Santa job is a genius. Would really like to shake his hand.” Ren’s heavy sarcasm fills the air around us.
“And break all their fingers,” Ash adds.
She-elf doesn’t look horrified. On the contrary, she bats her eyes at Ash like a skilled Jessica Rabbit.
“You’re wasting your time. My brother is as gay as a peacock,” Ren lets her know.
“Also, Ash is as rude as an undeserved bitch calling,” I add. And I’m being nice here. He is inconsiderate, insensitive, deliberatively offensive, disrespectful, obscene most of the time,and always impolite. I love his irritating face to death—his death, which I’ll provide one of these days.
“Too late. I’m fucking hooked, dude,” she shamelessly replies. Ash huffs out all his annoyance while I’m really starting to like this girl.
“Hey, do you know how to contact the King’s evil bro?” I ask her.
She turns her brown eyes to me. “Elvis didn’t have a bro, man. Did you sniff some of Jeff’s snow?”
“He means Santa.” Ash huffs. Is that a small smirk on his lips?
“Remember there’s only one King, dude, and that’s the Hillbilly Cat,” she clarifies, waving her tiny finger at me. She’s even shorter than me, but she’s got balls of steel, facing three blokes without any kind of wariness.
“Amen,” Ash mutters, nodding at her. He hates strangers. He barely stands us. Is this Santa’s doing? Sending some Christmas spirit my way. Improbable, Ash would enjoyKrampus spiritmuch more..
“The evil bro…you mean Krampus?” A nod is my reply to her. “Why do you want to contact him?”
“He…cursed him,” Ren succinctly replies, his words dripping with mockery.
