Page 85 of Two for Holding
Anger overwhelmed Jax.How dare Tom make the shelter, the one worthwhile thing Jax had done with his career, his first possibility to take a stand, something he might regret for the rest of his life?“Yeah, I do.That’s about me, not you.”
“If we do…this, then it is about me.”
“So you’ve decided we can never happen because you’re too scared?”
“So you’ve decided we can never happen because you need to tell everyone everything?”
“It’s notaboutme!The shelter…we’re doing something great, and I want to be a part of it.I want my legacy to be more than hockey, and I wish you could see why.”
Tom sighed.“I do see you’re doing something great.But the shelter project is a great legacy without coming out on top of it.”
Jax ran a hand across the back of his neck.“It’s who I am, Tom.My name is Jaxon with anX.That’s not how you spell it.I dye my hair blonder than it already is, and I wear thousand-dollar watches and branded fucking track pants.Everything about me screams ‘my parents never finished high school, and I grew up in a trailer park.’The only reasonIdidn’t end up in a shelter is because I lied to CPS when my parents forgot the power bill for the third time one winter.And I fucking own it.You think I don’t know what people say about me?That I’m impulsive and loud-mouthed and classless and not very smart?I’m fine with being those things.”
Looking as if he wanted desperately to interrupt, Tom opened his mouth, but Jax barreled on.
“It’s all true.It’s who I am.I got this far by being myself and borrowing used hockey gear and believing I could make this world accept me.I don’t make myself smaller for others, and I don’t apologize for being who I am.And who I am is queer.If I can’t own being queer, too, I’m not being me.I know it’s different for you, but can you try to understand?”
Tom studied him for a long, painful moment.Finally, he said, “Yes.But I can’t be there with you.”
The tension fell out of Jax’s body, anger giving way to bargaining.“Why not?You’ve done so much this season, changed so much.For the team and for yourself.”
“And for you.But I can’t— I never even said it out loud until I met you, Jax.I can’t undo my entire life to fit into the way you need to live yours.”
Tears burned behind Jax’s eyes.He knew an impossible dream when he saw it.One more tilt at the windmill, and then he’d give up.One more try to convince Tom how good they could be.“Have you ever tried?I mean, just because you haven’t doesn’t mean you couldn’t.What about your family?They—”
Tom laughed hollowly.“They know, Jax.”
“What?”
“They know.I’ve been trying to come out to them since I was fifteen.”
That didn’t make any sense.
“The first couple times, I thought it was a coincidence, how when I’d try to start a conversation about it, my mom would have something really important to tell me first, or she’d forgotten something at the store, and we’d need to go shopping.But it kept happening.Eventually, I realized she was stopping me from saying it out loud.And that’s when I knew once I did tell her, things would change for the worse.”
“Tom.”Jax ached to reach out and touch him.
“So I know.Okay?I know how it feels when the people you care about most turn away from everything but the parts of you they want to see.And if I can’t bear it from my family, how would I take it from the team or the whole world?I can’t.I made the choice to keep quiet and keep my family and my captaincy.I made that choice fifteen years ago, and I still make it every day.If I let myself go there with you, I lose whoIam, Jax.”
Jax’s heart hurt, and he couldn’t stop the tears from leaking onto his cheeks.
“Okay,” he said.“I understand.”He rested his hand on top of Tom’s on the sheet.They were both still naked, and a used condom lay somewhere on the bed.Jax was exhausted, and tomorrow, he’d have to play street hockey with twenty teenagers in front of running cameras.
He stayed there for as long as he could stomach, holding Tom’s hand.When he pulled away, he felt the hot drip of Tom’s tears on his skin.
“You know what I never got?”
“What?”
“Why use a body wash you don’t even like?You don’t have to use up the free shit they send you, and you don’t have to keep doing endorsement deals you hate.”
It startled a laugh out of Tom, which was what Jax wanted.If this had to happen, he didn’t want to cause Tom more pain than necessary.
“The scent is called ‘Sport.’That isn’t a real smell, or if it is, it’s sweaty gym socks.You could use anything.You have the money.”
“Are you going somewhere with this?”
Jax took his tone down a notch.“Yeah.I’m gonna miss how it smells.I’m gonna miss your million and one Sea Lions T-shirts because you never let yourself buy nice things.I won’t miss your stupid reheated meals, but I’ll miss everything else.I could have been in love with you.”
