Page 70 of Two for Holding
He stopped off at a CVS on the way home.
He had lube, the same bottle he’d bought three years ago and hadn’t often used for a variety of reasons, all of which were too embarrassing to think about for too long.He didn’t have condoms; he’d never had any need to buy them.It appeared the market had exploded since he’d been a teenager getting awkward talks from his billet mom.
What size was Jax’s cock?He’d had it in his hand and his mouth, but Tom didn’t know how to translate the haptic knowledge to inches.It was cock-sized.Not huge, but definitely not small.Should he get magnums?What was the point of flavored condoms?Could he text Jax and ask if condom size was important?
Tom shuddered at the mere thought.
He delayed the decision by perusing the more limited lube selection in case his had gone bad.If lube could go bad.The brand he chose promised it didn’t dissolve condoms—a fear Tom had never even known.Then, he grabbed a variety pack of normal-sized condoms from the bottom shelf and called it a day.
Never before had he been so glad for the invention of self-checkout.
Jax waited for him outside his apartment building, leaning casually against the wall near the entrance and typing on his phone.He smiled when he saw Tom, and a part of Tom he hadn’t known was tense, unclenched.
“Hi,” Tom said as if they hadn’t woken up side by side and then had practice together.
“Hi,” Jax said back, grinning now.
Tom loved his smile.
“So, you want to…” Tom gestured toward the building with the hand holding the CVS bag.
Jax eyed the bag.The black packet labeled “Condoms” in big white letters showed through the cheap plastic.Tom really ought to start using the canvas bags he had stashed somewhere in the apartment, but he so rarely went shopping.Why bother when he had a service deliver tasteless, dietician-approved meals weekly?
“I want to,” Jax said hoarsely.
They took the elevator up without speaking.What was there to say?They were about to have sex, and now they both knew it.Tomwantedto have sex, had purposely gone out and bought the materials to have sex, and Jax had seen and agreed.
Strangely, Tom wasn’t nervous.
Half the reason he’d put it off for so long, besides the blinding, ever-present fear of discovery, was that at some point, he’d gotten so nervous about not having done it he couldn’t fathom ever overcoming the anxiety enough to actually do it.He hadn’t counted on Jax though.Jax’s enthusiasm, the way he seemed to want everything with Tom so much, made Tom feel…warm.Appreciated.Something hot and excited deep in his core.Watching Jax fall onto his knees yesterday—how eager he’d been, how good he’d been—soothed his fears of inadequacy.Tom knew Jax had exaggerated the experience for his benefit, at least in part, because Jax had as good as said hockey players didn’t do it for him.But it still felt good to be appreciated.
Inside the apartment, Jax took the bag out of Tom’s hands gently and set it on the table.Then, he reached for Tom’s hands and pulled him close.He pressed a soft kiss to Tom’s lips.
“What do you want?”
Tom stiffened.Jax had seen the bag, so Jax should know.If this was some power move, some way to make Tom beg—
“Hey, shh.”Jax kissed his cheek.“I just mean…I need you to say it.There’s a lot of things I’d do with you, and I don’t wanna overwhelm you.”
“You don’t have to baby me,” Tom snapped.“I’m a virgin, not an idiot.”
He’d never used that word in reference to himself.Virginity was something for hyper-religious people or teenagers.Tom was a grown man who happened not to have had sex.He didn’t appreciate Jax turning it into something that made him lesser.
“I’m not babying you.I’m trying to respect your boundaries.”Jax stepped away and took a deep breath.“Look, I get this is new for you, and I love how into it you are.But I don’t want to be something you’ll regret.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”Jax gave him a smile, a little more tired than before.
As if Tom needed a reminder about why he had no future with Jax.He couldn’t even talk about sex without freaking out.
“Talk to me,” Jax coaxed, reaching out once more to trace his fingertips across Tom’s arm.
Heat flushed up Tom’s neck.“I want, um…I want you to…”
