Page 82 of The Hitchhiker in Panama
“It is true. I’m not a sailor, and I’ve just been a liability and an added stress. Look, Eivind, this was the deal, right? I stay to sail across the Pacific, I get my adventure in, and I move on. Mission accomplished.”
“We did not really mean it. The last few days have been stressful, and everyone is tired.”
“What, you think Jonas didn’t mean it when he said he wanted things back to normal?”
Eivind winced. “He is just—”
“Don’t say he’s stressed, Eivind!” I threw up my hands. “This is his boat, he’s the captain. We’re all tired. I’m tired of being here.” I went back to work trying to close the zipper of my backpack.
“It was not just stress. He was just agreeing with Elayna. Things have been hard enough with her as it is.”
“I just don’t understand that. I really like you, Eivind, and I think you really like me. I don’t understand their relationship, but they aren’t even together. So why try to make Elayna feel good while throwing me under the bus? Why sacrifice our relationship?”
“I do not know,” Eivind ground out, frustration edging his words. He ran a hand over his head and stood up to pace. I watched him for a moment, arms crossed, but he was at a loss for words.
“I think,” I said, “that you are trying so damn hard to sacrifice yourself for any tiny chance to make your brother happy. But what about you, Eivind? You put your whole life on hold to help your brother sail across oceans. What makes you happy?”
“I did not put anything on hold. I had no real job, a shitty apartment, it was no sacrifice.”
“Ah, so you needed a worthy sacrifice.”
Eivind stopped pacing and looked at me.
“And that’s me.”
His eyes widened, and he rushed toward me. “That is not true!”
I held a hand up, holding him back. “If that’s not true, then come with me. We can go backpack together. Jonas has Elayna, he can get more crew members; he can sail with them to New Zealand. It would give us a real chance.”
“We could have a real chance here onEik.” Eivind ran a hand up my arm and, without intending to, I leaned into it. Eivind took the opportunity, and we swayed into each other.
Eivind’s arms wrapped around me, solid and warm. But I could feel the strain, the weight of sadness pressing down on him. I gripped him hard, pressing my face into his chest.
He inhaled, deep and shaky. “I want you here with me.” His voice broke, and we held each other tight.
When I finally pulled back, we were both sniffling.
“Take me to shore?” I asked quietly.
He nodded.
Thirty-Seven
The crew said goodbye to me at the dock, and we all exchanged contact information. The agent had arranged a car to take me to a local hostel. Jonas and Elayna pulled me aside before Eivind said goodbye.
“Eivind told me you heard our conversation,” Jonas said. “We just wanted to say we are so sorry for suggesting you were not good enough. You were really great.”
I smiled weakly. “For someone who doesn’t know how to sail, right?”
Elayna grimaced and looked down.
Jonas leaned in. “Do not break up with him because I said something I should not have said. I mean it, Lila. You should stay.”
I looked away, and after a beat, Eivind moved in to hug me goodbye. We embraced, and I inhaled deeply, taking in those scents of lemon and sunshine, hoping to imprint them on my memory. Eivind gripped the back of my head before I could pull away, planting kisses on my hair, my forehead, and down my face. He allowed himself one press to my lips then took a step back. I pulled away quickly and climbed into the car before I could change my mind.
* * *
At my hostel, I immediately crawled onto my bunk bed in the dorms. The bed was rickety and narrow, even compared toEik’s crew bunks, where I’d only spent one night. It was too early to expect anyone to allow me a moment’s quiet: the doors constantly opened, conversations carried on around me, and something reeked horribly from the far corner of the room. Perhaps I’d just gotten used to the fresh air and sea breeze.
