Page 33 of Nutcracker with Benefits
“So what? That’s it? You’re going to marry Nash?”
“No, I’m not,” I sputter.
Fritz looks between the two of us, and Nash is, oddly, silent.
“Where did you even hear that?” I ask Fritz.
“There’s a picture of you all over social media kissing in the subway station. I went over to Dad’s place to see what it was all about, and Dad said Nash wanted to marry you.”
“That’s not what’s happening here,” I tell my brother.
Fritz narrows his eyes at Nash. “Unless you just said that to make our dads feel better.”
“I didn’t say it to make them feel better,” Nash says.
We’re quiet again while I stare at Nash. Did he just say…did he just insinuate that he wants to marry me?
That draws me up short. When? Why? Nash and I have always just kept our relationship casual…haven’t we?
I shake the thoughts out of my head, returning to the main problem.
Nash stands from the stool and approaches my brother. “Hey Fritz, I think it’s time to go.”
My brother eyes me warily.
“Go,” I tell him. “This isn’t about you.”
He huffs and spins around, walking away from this bomb he’s detonated in the middle of my quiet morning with Nash. The front door slams, and Nash turns to me. There’s a look on his face I’ve never seen before; wary and hopeful and apprehensive.
He hasn’t denied it, but I don’t understand what’s happening. We’ve been friends for so long, sleeping together for so long. If Nash had feelings for me, how come he didn’t say anything? How could it have gone on for this long without one of us breaking?
The only thing that makes sense to me is that Nash didn’t say it.
“What, exactly, did you say to my dad?”
“I told your dad that I was going to marry you.” He holds my gaze steady, a juxtaposition to my heart fluttering in my chest.
“Let me get this straight. You didn’t say you wanted to marry me or ask for his permission to propose. You didn’t even talk to me about it. You just said you were going to marry me?”
“Yes.”
“Nash,” I say, bringing my hands to my temples and rubbing. “What does that even mean? I don’t understand what that would look like. And why would you even say something like that without having given any thoughts to my opinion?”
This is not like Nash at all. Where’s the guy that talks to me about everything? Where’s the man who supports me while I get to make my own decisions about my life?
“I know that this wasn’t ideal,” he says, and the placation in his tone irks me, “but here’s the truth: I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a very long time. And I know you’re in love with me, too, and you’re panicking right now.”
“I’m not panicking,” I snap. “You think you know me so well, but you don’t. We see each other, what? Maybe twice a year if we’re lucky?”
“Clara, I’ve known you for decades. I know the places you’ve been and the places you want to go. I know that you are so good at what you do because you are so positive, and you work harder than anyone I know, even myself.” Nash reaches out, grabbing my hand and using it to tug me closer. “I know the way you feel pressed up against me.” He turns my hand over, bringing the sensitive skin of my wrist to his mouth, and kisses the hammering pulse underneath. I’m frozen in place, rooted to the floor. “I know the noises you make when I kiss you just the way you like it and how your breath catches when you come.” He nuzzles into my hand, and the skin under my palm is soft and smooth. “I know your skin is so delicate, you like me to shave. Believe me, Kara’s been trying to get me to grow some stubble out, but I’d never do it because you like it like this.”
“Nash—“
“I know you so well, Clara. I know you’re never going to be finished because you’ll never feel like you’ve done enough to satisfy this wanderlust within you. You’re chasing this idea to experience things that your mom never got to experience. But she also had her family and loved hard. I would love you with everything I have.”
“This isn’t just about love.” I pull my hand back, extricating it from his grip, upset all over again that my hand is shaking. “This is about how I live wherever I want. Your whole life is here in New York, and my whole life is doing everything I can to make my business work. It’s a hustle, and it’s hard as hell. You know this.” My voice is desperate. I wish we could go back in time and start all over. I wouldn’t try to creep into bed with Nash, I wouldn’t pretend that he was my boyfriend all day, I wouldn’t kiss him in public because neither of us needs this drama.
“You can change your plans. This is your business, and you should run it however you want, and if you really want this relationship, we could make it work.”
