Page 27 of In Your Eyes
My father wouldn’t have done any of those things. He would have found a way to calm the situation without frightening his pack. One of the lessons he’d taught me was that an Alpha didn’t lower himself to those around him; instead he raised others up. And yet at the first opportunity, I plummeted down to Rick’s level. When I asked myself why, I realized I already knew the answer.
It washim. Korban Keller. He was the reason I came back to my house instead of fleeing to the safety of the deep woods. He was the reason I’d gone against my pack. It was like being eight years old all over again, only this time Korban had managed to confuse and manipulate me from a distance. Fear wasn’t the same as respect, my father used to say, and now my pack members feared me. It was Korban’s fault.
Slowly, I turned around and narrowed my eyes at the man who had worked to make me feel out of sorts for as long as I’d known him, the man whose father killed my father, the man who had forced me to behave in a way that would divide me from my pack.
The adrenaline thrumming through my body fueled my rage. He had been able to ward off three of my pack members with that shovel, but I would show Korban Keller I was the stronger wolf. Raising my head, I howled long and loud, reminding my animal how it felt to be free and proud and strong. Then I lunged.
I expected Korban to swing his weapon at me, like he had been doing with my pack members, but instead he dropped it, once again confusing me. I jumped on my enemy and found a pure white wolf under me instead of a man. I wondered why he had changed forms instead of keeping his human hands and using the shovel to beat me. Before I could ponder the question for long, Korban’s scent invaded my senses, along with the heat of his body. My goal had been to kill him, but once again, I clamped my mouth over the intersection of his neck and shoulder, rather than his jugular.
Everything after that moment was a blur. My mind went white, then dark, and then pulsed with fire. I heard growling and whining. I smelled and tasted blood. I felt strength pushing back against my own. Pure, undiluted pleasure consumed me. And then there was nothing.
PANTINGWOKEme. Or maybe that wasn’t the right description. I couldn’t have been asleep; it was more like my brain had checked out of my body. But the sound of heavy breathing slammed it back into my head. I was still in my wolf form, which wasn’t a surprise. I doubted I’d ever be able to shift back.
I blinked my eyes open and saw fur. White fur. It was under me and it smelled amazing. So amazing, in fact, that my belly tightened and my groin pulsed, bringing my attention to that part of my body.
Never in my entire life had I felt anything like it. The warmth, the silky softness, the tight pressure; my dick was encased in slick heat. I moved experimentally and realized I couldn’t go far. Confused, I tried again, and then it hit me—I was tied; that was why I couldn’t move away. The mating knot at the base of my cock was keeping me in place, keeping me connected to someone.
After that revelation, my mind moved quickly and sharply. I knew the scent surrounding me, knew the wolf beneath me. It was Korban Keller. I had attacked him, overpowered him, penetrated him, and tied with him.
Whining in horror at what I’d done, I wiggled and sighed in relief when my body finally allowed me to pop free. With a whimper, Korban raised his head and twisted it back to look at me. Immediately, I turned away. Those blue eyes in his wolf body would be no less powerful than they were in his human one.
However Korban had treated me, however much he had confused me and made me feel on guard and off-balance, he didn’t deserve what I’d done to him. Nobody did. Not trusting myself in his presence, I backed out of the workshop. I needed to bind him with the rope so he wouldn’t escape, but I couldn’t get that close to Korban after the way I’d just treated him.
Instinctively, I shifted into my human form and slammed the door shut. It wasn’t until I had my hand wrapped around the cool metal padlock that I realized I’d shifted and it wasn’t difficult. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that with ease.
The recovery from the shameful problem I’d kept hidden from all but my immediate family seemed like a miracle until I realized I’d tied. I couldn’t understand why I’d done it. Losing control of my wolf after I’d kept that part of myself caged made sense. Our animals needed to feel the air just as much as our humans and denying ourselves that didn’t come easily or naturally, so whenever my animal form took over, I ran without thought.
But there was nothing natural about losing control of myself to do what I’d just done to Korban. And there was nothing natural about the feelings pulsing inside me at that moment. I wanted to go back into the workshop. I wanted to look into the blue eyes that had searched for me. I wanted to inhale the sweet scent that had surrounded me. I wanted to feel Korban’s warmth against my body.
My fingers trembled as I clicked the padlock closed. Hoping it would hold him until I gained control of myself, I dashed toward the house and away from the sick temptation. Until I’d misled them, my father and mother had thought my lack of tying was the source of my shifting issue, and though I had been too ashamed to tell them the truth, I had spent years trying unsuccessfully to find a female who could inspire that part of me. I didn’t understand why I had done with a male that which I hadn’t been able to convince my body to do with females in packs both near and far.
And I didn’t understand why I wanted to do it again. No. Notwanted. Needed.
Cringing in horror at myself, I ran into the house and locked the back door. I stumbled through the family room, bile rising as I thought of what I’d done to Korban. That feeling mixed with a spike of need as I ran my hand across my mouth and realized I smelled different; I smelled like him. My palms tingled with the desire to connect with his skin.
“No!” I screamed to myself. “No!”
I had to get his scent off my body. Surely that would solve one of my problems. Racing through the house, I knocked over a lamp, bumped into the edge of a sofa table, and stubbed my toe on the bottom of the stairs. My wolf started scratching at me, wanting to get out, wanting to go back outside, back to Korban.
What was wrong with me?
“No!” I yelled again, thumping into the hallway walls. “Please, no.”
I managed to make it to the bathroom and dropped to my knees in front of the toilet just as my stomach emptied its contents. I had to control myself. I had to stop myself.
Crawling into the shower, I shivered and ignored the wetness streaking down my cheeks. I reached for the handle, turned it so the water would be as hot as I could bear, and sat under the spray, hoping it could wash away my sins—both the one I’d committed just outside the house, and the ones I longed to commit again.
Dropping my head on my knees, I let the tears flow. “No.”
Chapter 10
ICOULDN’Tsleep. My mind was a jumble of recollections—flashes of Korban from over the years—all mingled together. My memory wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either, and the things I tended to remember were facts or goals. This was different.
I remembered Korban’s expressions when he had looked at me, the twinkle in his eyes and the warmth of his smile, which didn’t make sense because I knew without a doubt that at the time I had told myself both were sinister. I remembered things he had said that should have been meaningless and forgotten the next day, but had wedged themselves into my brain. I remembered running with him in our wolf forms and feeling free and whole, which was strange because at the time I had tried to banish the experience from my mind. I remembered having my first orgasm right in front of him, which was something I’d never done fully clothed without a touch to my genitals since that day. I remembered laughing with him, which was odd because I wasn’t the laughing type.
But most of all, I remembered how I had felt when I was with Korban. There was confusion and discomfort, but overall there was a deep sense of peace and safety. With that realization in place, I had to ask myself why I hated him.
For as long as I could remember, I had told myself to stay away from Korban, told myself something wasn’t right with him, something wasn’t safe. The only answer I could come up with was that deep inside I had always known that something was wrong withmeand that being with him brought it to the surface.
