Page 23 of Finally
They walked together through the mudroom. “Same. How about we get our laptops, get cozy on the couch, and unwind?”
“You are the only other person I know who would view working from home on a Saturday afternoon as relaxation time.”
“As long as we’re on the TV room couch, it counts as relaxing.”
Laughing, Jack shook his head. “I need to do something about the furniture in my living room. Nobody ever wants to go in there.”
“It was nice of you to give that up-and-coming designer a job, but”—Gray scrunched his nose and shook his head—“that furniture is medieval.”
“He decorated for his Instagram, not our comfort. He’s young. He’ll learn to find a middle ground.”
“Like I said, it was nice of you. As usual.” Once they stepped into the walkway that ran the length of the house, Gray braided his fingers with Jack’s and said, “I’m going to put my thingsaway.” He lifted his overnight bag as he spoke. “Where do you want me to put it?”
The panic that had dissipated moments earlier returned in the face of that decision.
“Jack?”
“Uh huh.” His heart hammered against his ribs.
“I can sleep in your bed”—he turned his chin to the left—“or I can sleep in the guest room” —he turned his chin to the right. “There’s no wrong answer and no rush.”
Gray was offering to stay in his room, and he had mentioned sleeping together while they were in the cooking class. Jack hadn’t been the one to bring it up. That could mean Gray wanted to spend the night with him. On the other hand, he could be doing Jack a favor, which was definitely something Gray would do and just as definitely something Jack didn’t want. Since Gray had come up with the Boyfriend Plan a couple of weeks earlier, Jack had done a lot of thinking. By all accounts, Gray slept around so Jack figured he wouldn’t mind sleeping with him if he asked. But Jack had already lived a version of that life. He hadn’t wanted obligatory sex with Jaime when they’d been together, and once that was over, he had promised himself to never be in that position again.
“Damn it.” Gray squeezed his eyes shut, dropped his bag, and rubbed his palms over his face. “We’re in our mid-forties and we’ve been friends nearly half of our lives. This shouldn’t be so hard.”
Gray sounded angry. He was never angry. “I’m sorry,” Jack said reflexively.
“Jack,” Gray said on a sigh. He opened his eyes. “What are you apologizing for?”
“For making this hard.” Not that he completely understood whatthiswas. “For making you mad.”
“I’m not mad, I’m frustrated. And it’s not with you, it’s with…this situation.”
“I’m sorry for creating this situation.” Jack was sufficiently self-aware to recognize Gray was behaving like a typical adult and his own reactions were, as Gray implied, immature.
“Please stop apologizing to me.” Gray reached his hand up and caressed Jack’s cheek. “You’re not responsible for this situation.”
“I know I’m being weird, Gray,” Jack whispered. His own frustration rising, Jack looked up at the ceiling, hoping to keep away the tears he could feel welling in his eyes. “I think maybe the relationship part of me is broken and I’m destined to be alone.” His heart ached with that confession.
“No, you’re not.”
Lowering his gaze to meet Gray’s, Jack continued speaking. “I was twenty-four when I met Jaime. I thought I was grown, but I was behind in a lot of ways socially. We became adults together. Coming out. Finishing school. Moving across the country. Figuring out what we wanted to do professionally. Building a company. Making new friends. Renting our first apartment. Buying our first house.” He shook his head. “Looking back, I realize I should have let him go early on, but I didn’t.” Jack swallowed down his regret. “Everyone loves Jaime. He’s the quintessential good man. Love takes patience and effort, so I reminded myself to be grateful he was with me, and I tried harder. We went through all the steps of building a life together. And now…” He pressed his hand to his chest, trying to rub away the pain of dreams unfulfilled. “Now I’m twenty years older and my life is established, but I’m alone and it's too late for me to recreate theNotebook.”
“Nope,” Gray said, popping thepin a way that made him sound like the angsty teenager Jack had been channeling.
“What do you meannope?” Jack sniffled and chuckled at the same time, sad about his failings while also amused by Gray. “You can’tnopethat.” He rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes, wiping away the wetness.
“I absolutely cannopethat, which is why I didnopeit.” Gray grinned. “Watch, I’ll do it again.” He paused and then with emphasis, said, “Nope.”
Chapter 7
“So…” Gray caressed Jack’s cheek. “Now that we have that debate out of the way, where do you want me to put my bag?”
“I…” Jack’s voice broke, like his body wouldn’t let him finish his answer. He took a breath, opened his mouth as if to speak, and then sighed instead.
Gray didn’t struggle with confidence, which was why he never hesitated to pick up men and probably at least partially why he nearly always succeeded. But Jack wasn’t a guy he was hitting on at a bar or matching with on an app, so unlike those situations, their goals weren’t already obvious and aligned. He was in this for the long haul, always had been, but he wasn’t going to steamroll Jack to get there.
“How about I put my cards on the table?” Again. “I’d love to be with you tonight but only if that’s what you want. If it’s not, that’s cool too.” He searched Jack’s face and didn’t like what he saw. “Why are you scared?” he asked, voice low.
