Page 135 of Fangirl
Not about what I had… or what I left behind.
I’ve been avoiding Maya, too, for a dozen reasons.
Because I don’t want to see the worry in her eyes or hear her call me out for running scared.
Because she knows me too well. Because I am scared, and I need to walk through that fear on my own this time, not pulled forward by someone else’s certainty, even hers.
I told Jake he needed to figure out who he really was.
But the truth? So do I.
Maybe that’s why we loved each other so hard. Two people who didn’t know how to be whole yet.
That plan doesn’t last long.
I’ve barely stepped inside my flat, Pea already fed and flopped in his usual spot, when the door opens behind me.
I turn, my heart already sinking. “You know the key is only for emergencies?—”
“You quit?” Maya blurts, her arms crossed and eyes blazing. “Youactuallyquit?”
Busted spectacularly.
I sigh, suddenly even more exhausted. “Not now, Maya. I’m not in the mood.”
“What happened in LA?” she presses, stepping closer, grabbing my hand tight in hers. “You came back grieving something. I didn’t want to pry, but this? This isn’t you.”
I pull my hand free, my voice sharp before I can stop it. “Maybe itisme. You’ve always been so bold, so sure. You don’tsee how hard it is for me to breathe sometimes.”
Her eyes soften, but I don’t stop.
“I’m turning thirty in two days, Maya. Thirty. And what do I have to show for it? A mediocre job, a quiet life, and a laundry list of all the risks I never took. I keep waiting for the universe to give me something when I’ve never really tried to take anything for myself. I’ve been so scared to want things.”
My voice quivers. I shake my head.
“I just—Ineededto do something. For me. Not for safety. Not for logic. Not because it’s the reasonable choice.”
She doesn’t say anything at first. Just waits quietly.
“I know it’s not even that big of a risk,” I admit, exhaling. “I could find another job in a week if I needed to. I’ve got good savings. Nana’s inheritance is still untouched. If I’m careful, I could live for two years without working.”
A slow smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. “And I found an agent.”
Her eyes widen. “Wait—what?”
“I signed with an agent,” I repeat, steadier now. “A real one. ForBackstage Heart.”
Maya squeals, launching herself at me, nearly knocking me backward. “OH MY GOD, Amy. This is amazing. You’re doing it. You’re really doing it!”
For the first time in days, I let myself smile, truly smile. “Yeah. I guess I am.”
Maya bounces once on her toes, her eyes bright. “Can I read it?”
“Oh no,” I say quickly, taking a step back like her request might physically burn me.
She recoils, mock-offended. “Rude.”
I soften. “I’ll let you read it… eventually. But not yet.”
