Page 60 of Fangirl
Me: Obviously.
Eli: Why?
Me: Because I’m not into the limelight, I’m into simple, quiet, comfortable…
I chew on my bottom lip as I’m thinking about my next words.
Me: I’m into us.
The second I hit send, my heart plummets into my stomach.
What am I doing? Was that too much? Too flirty? Too?—
My phone buzzes.
Eli:You’re killing me, Fangirl.
I blink.
Me: How so?
Eli: Because I’m here, and you’re there.
Me: Actually… I was thinking… maybe I should come see you in LA. What about December?
I hit send before I can second-guess myself, my pulse thrumming in my ears.
The typing bubble pops up immediately.
Then disappears.
Then nothing.
I stare at the screen, my stomach twisting.
A minute passes. Then two.
I shouldn’t have said anything. I ruined it.
Still nothing.
Panic starts to creep in, cold and sharp. Did I just overstep? Did I read this whole thing wrong? I know he’s been busy, I know that, but maybe he doesn’t actually want to meet in person. Maybe this whole thing is different for him. Maybe I just…
No. Stop. Breathe.
I shove my phone into my coat pocket, pressing my lips together as I look out the window at the lights as we pass the suburbs. The lump in my throat is humiliating, but I can’t help it. It’s stupid—so, so stupid—but I feel like I just shattered something fragile. Like I ruined the best thing I’ve had in years.
The train hums beneath me, the familiar screech of metal against metal filling the silence as I stare blankly out the window. My reflection is distorted in the glass, blurredby streaks of condensation, mirroring the mess in my own head.
I almost cry.
No, Amy. Don’t. You’re almost home. Hold it together.
It’s ridiculous, really. I’m not in love. I can’t be, right? But I like him… more than I should. And for the first time in weeks, I feel distant from him. And it sucks.
By the time I step through my front door, my heart is wedged somewhere between my stomach and my throat. I drop my bag, kick off my shoes, give Pea some food, and collapse onto the couch, barely resisting the urge to throw my phone across the room.
Then it buzzes.
