Page 97 of Fangirl
I hate that it warms me. Hate it—but it does.
He exhales, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I am Eli. At least… the version of me you brought back. And I don’t want to lose him again.” He glances at me. “I know you’re furious. You should be. I made a mess of this. I thought you were coming to the signing, and I… I panicked. I have no excuse. None except that I’m desperately and helplessly in love with you.”
His words hang heavy between us, drenched in a love I’m not ready to face.
And god… doesn’t that justruin me?
I stare at him. This stupidly beautiful, stupidly broken man, and every rational part of me screams to run. Turn around. Walk away. Save what little pride I have left.
But my heart… that traitorous, fragile thing? It aches. Itbegsme to try. To forgive. To see past the lies and all the ways he broke me.
“I hate you,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “At least… I hate the part of you standing in front of me right now. I hate that you did this. That you let me fall for you, knowing there was a price. Knowing what loving you…reallymeant.” My throat burns, and my eyes sting. “I should’ve known. I should’ve known what it meant to love you—this part of you you called Eli. The part you say belongs to me.”
He reaches for me, just a slight movement, his fingers brushing the space between us, but I flinch. Not much, but just enough to still the air between us.
I don’t lean in. I don’t bridge the gap.
I let the distance stay, and the silence stretches between us.
Hisface tightens, but he doesn’t push. He just waits, his eyes shining with everything he isn’t saying.
Then his breath catches, and when he speaks, his voice is wrecked. “You’re wrong, love.” He shakes his head slowly. “You think you only love a part of me… but the truth is, all of me is already yours. Every piece. There’s no ‘Eli’ without Jake. No Jake without Eli. I kept lying to myself, thinking… if you loved that version of me, maybe,just maybe, you’d accept the rest.” He looks away then. “But the truth is. I was wrong.”
I want to scream.I want to run. I want to kiss him until I forget every reason I came here.
Instead… I just stand there. Breathing him in and breaking.
He takes a slow step toward me. Then another.
I don’t move. I can’t.
His voice is rough and shaky. “I know I messed up. And I’m sorry… God, I’m so sorry. But what I’ll never apologize for is meeting you. Getting to know you. Loving you.” He swallows hard, as his eyes burn into mine. “And I’m definitely not sorry that you love me, too, because you’re not in love with some made-up version of me. You’re in love with me. All of me. And once you realize that… we’ll figure it out. We’ll make it work.”
I blink fast, my throat closing. “I’m not meant for the spotlight,” I whisper. “I’m not that girl.”
He smiles softly. “Good. I don’t want that girl. I want you. And you don’t have to be in the limelight, Amy. Stay home, write your books, rescue your cats… be brilliant from the shadows if that’s what makes you happy.” His voice lowers. “I don’t care about the cameras, the premieres, the Hollywood bullshit. All I care about… isyou. Lovingme.The real me. The guy standing here, terrified of losing you.”
I sag back against the wall, my breath shaking. God, he’s killing me. Still… one question burns. “Did?—”
“What?” He breathes, stepping closer. “Amy… ask me anything.”
I force the words out, even though I hate myself for it. “Did you… Did you use me to get the Anlon part?”
The flash of pain in his eyes guts me. But I don’t take it back. I need to know.
“No,” he rasps. “The role was mine, Amy. It was always mine. I might be the asshole who punches a shark, but my name sells tickets. They wanted me.”
I flush, guilt creeping in. All those stupid jabs I threw at him…
He shakes his head. “If anything… I panicked because I knew how much it meant to you. And I wanted to get him right… for you.”
I swallow hard. “The fans?”
He lets out a breathless laugh. “No, love. Not the fans. You. Only you. Because—” He hesitates, then gives me a small, lopsided smile. “I want to be him for you.YourAnlon. I know I started off like a wet blanket, but that’s who I want to be.”
And somehow… hearing that is what shatters me completely.
“This… you… it changes everything,” I whisper.
