Page 8 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
Carla nods her head again, “I think it’s great that the girls are getting to connect with Sandy and Jim, and that they’re going over there today, I think it’ll be a good opportunity for you to have some alone time.” She doesn’t say it explicitly, but the sentiment is clear.Alonetime. No kids, no family, no Matthias around. They’re my crutches. I start to feel anxious just thinking about it.Alone.
“Right, alone…”
“Yes, alone.” The tears are already starting to cloud my vision. “When was the last time you were alone, Britain?”
“Well…”Crap, I don’t know. There were those few days in June, after the girls left for Disney, before Sandy and Matthias came out to help me pack. But then Jess was there, so, no. It’d have to be when Liam was in Sonoma for work.When he pickedup my ring.When we were together, and he loved me.“It was when I was staying at Liam’s and he had a work trip.”
“Hmm,” Carla ponders. “Why do you think that is?”Isn’t it obvious?
“Because I’m scared to be alone.”
“Why?”
“Because then I’m just like Georgia. Because when I’m alone, there’s no one to interrupt the thoughts that make me spiral into darkness. Because if I’m alone, I’m scared I won’t be able to get out of bed and keep…going.”Ouch. I know I’ve subconsciously been thinking all of this, but verbalizing, making it real, feels like a dagger slipping under my ribs. The pain is sharp and tangible. I fold in on myself as the tears consume me and I try my best to hide my face in my hands.
I’m a terrible mother. Pathetic and weak. No wonder he didn’t want me.
“Britain, does anyone else know you’re feeling this way?”
I sniff out my answer, “No.”
“Could you talk to someone around you about it? Maybe Jess? Alex? Or even Sandy?” Definitely not Sandy. I love Sandy, but she’s still Liam’s mom. I also don’t know if she talks to him or not. And not Alex. God, he’d just stick to me like glue, making sure I never leave his sight.Jess. She’s probably the only person I could tell, but at what point do people get tired of dealing with your lame shit? She must be exhausted by now.
“I could talk to Jess about it.”
“Alright,” she nods solemnly, “that’s part of your homework. Talk to Jess before our next session, which I’m going to move up to next Monday. Okay?”
“Yeah,” I sniffle. “Okay.”
FOUR
Britain
After my session with Carla, it takes me longer than usual to pull myself together, but eventually I do, like always. The girls are still out of sight, so I hop in the shower to officially finish off my crying and get ready for the day. Then I try to pull myself together a bit better than I’ve been doing lately. I mean the saying isn’t ‘look good, feel good’ for nothing, is it?
I’ve just finished putting on some mascara when Elodie and Caroline waltz into my bathroom. Quite literally, waltzing. I laugh.
“What are you girls doing?”
“Just waiting for you, Mother,” Elodie says.
“Where did you learn how to dance like that?” I mean really, ballroom dancing, right here in the bathroom.
“School,” Caroline spouts off.Sounds about right.At my public school, we learned line dancing. Apparently at boarding school you learn ballroom dancing.
I laugh. “Of course. Are you guys all ready?”
“Yep,” they say in unison.
“Great. Let me throw something on and we’ll leave.”
“Ooooh, can I pick it out?” Elodie asks.
I pause, “Within reason, yes.” Elodie is fashionable in a way I never was at age fourteen.
“Yessss!” She pumps her arm in the air and darts into my closet. It’s not as full as the one at Liam’s used to be, but slowly, my new wardrobe is growing. Not that I wear any of it, or will wear any of it now thatI’mthe one growing.
As part of her personal assistant duties, Jess has added styling to her list of responsibilities. She insisted I give her a monthly budget she can use to order me clothes and I caved to her demand. She also forbade me from throwing any of it away, even if I don’t want them anymore. I thought she was going to cry when I told her how I let Sandy either burn, trash, or donate my previous wardrobe.Jess. I need to call her after I drop off the girls.
