Page 38 of Michael's Awakening
Tonight.
I didn’t want to meet anyone close to him until he knew the real me. That way, if he decided he didn’t want to be a part of my life any longer, no one else would be affected with the decision.
When three o’clock rolled around, I left the office early to go to a last minute appointment with Dr. Chase.
If I was going to really tell Gabe everything, I needed encouragement. I’d made so much progress over the years, but I feared that his rejection of me might send me spiraling back down into that painful place.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” Dr. Chase said as we sat in his office.
I stared out the same window I always did—at the same tree—as if it was the one thing that grounded me while I was in that damn room.
“Afraid,” I answered, looking back at the psychologist. “I’m telling him everything tonight, and my stomach is in knots over how he’ll react.”
“What is it that truly frightens you?” he pressed further. “Do you think he’ll turn away from you because of your scars? If he truly cares for you, that won’t matter, Michael.”
A part of me knew he was right, but a bigger part knew how hideous they were: jagged, raised things that not only looked atrocious but felt disgusting too.
“I’m not sure.” And I wasn’t. “Gabriel isn’t shallow, but he’s beautiful. And I’m…” I shook my head and moved my gaze to my clenched hands. “A beast.”
“Now why do you refer to yourself that way?” Dr. Chase asked, sounding truly shocked for one of the first times since we’d talked. “What happened to you wasnotyour fault. Shouldn’t your mother be the beast in your mind? And not you?”
I shrugged.
“It’s just how I feel.” I’d never voiced the thoughts I had on the subject, but it felt freeing to finally say the screwed-up things I kept locked inside my head. “Not only am I hideous on the outside, but my insides are fucked-up too. What she did to me was like a poison, one that spread slowly through my body, turning everything it touched to black.” I met the doctor’s stare. “Who would want the real me?”
He adjusted his glasses and was quiet a moment. “Feeling worthless is common among child abuse victims. Any abuse, really,” he said a bit later. “After a while, some even have a warped sense of blame, and instead of blaming the people who actually hurt them, they make the blame more internalized. I believe that’s what you’ve done, Michael.”
No shit.
He continued, “Like a woman who’s abused by her husband will sometimes go ‘Oh, well if I hadn’t done thing A to make him mad, he wouldn’t have hit me,’ but the only one to blame is the abuser.”
“You exist. That’s what you did.”My mother had told me.
I shook my head. “I should get going. Thank you for agreeing to see me today.”
“Michael, I really think—”
“Have a great day.”
I left his office just as I was starting to shake. Luckily, I made it to my car before I had an all-out panic attack. When I was finally calm enough, I drove home.
***
Gabriel had never been to my house before. We’d always gone to his apartment when we were together. So I asked him to come over that evening when he got off work and finished with his music lesson.
Any other time, I would have picked him up and brought him there myself, but I wanted him to have his car just in case he wanted to make a quick exit.
After starting dinner, I erratically tapped my fingers on the counter in the kitchen as I stared out the window. My nerves were shot. Anxiety spread through me as I thought about Gabriel seeing my scars.
Would he still want me?I think he expected that tonight was important and would be a pivotal moment in our relationship. He sounded both nervous and excited over the phone when I asked him to come over and to bring an overnight bag to stay the night. We had never stayed an entire night together, so I knew he suspected something.
My angel had been patient for too long, and it was time to finally give him the answers he deserved.
My phone rang and my stomach fluttered with nerves.
“Hello?” I answered, trying to hide the nerves in my voice.
“I have no idea where the hell I am. I think I’m lost. You live out in the freakin’ middle of nowhere.”
