Page 75 of Until Next Time
We take a few steps towards the street, and I put my arms across my chest. I don’t speak, I just let him know I’m listening.
“Shit man, I rehearsed what I was going to say thousands of times it seems like. I knew if I ever had the chance to be face to face with you, I needed to do that and I needed to do it right.” He sighs, and looks at his feet. He kicks a pebble off to the side, and I remain still. Waiting.
“I don’t want to take up much of your time, so I’ll just come right out with it. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back to that night and do everything different. I wouldn’t have been an asshole in the bar, I wouldn’t have thrown a punch at you, and I wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel drunk. But, I can’t change the past. I made the mistakes and I know you’re living with the consequences of it everyday. There’s no possible way for me to earn your forgiveness, especially because I don’t deserve it, but I did want to give you this”—He holds out the folded envelope towards me. I reach out and take it.
I’ve carried a grudge for the man standing in front of me for years, I’ve held it proudly, almost like a badge of honor.
You killed my mother, well congratulations, I’m going to hate you for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t until this very moment when I feel a tug in my gut. Like, something is sour and rancid within me. Like, I need to spit out whatever is eating away at me from the inside. It’s unfamiliar, but it’s almost painful.
“I forgive you.” I don’t even recognize the voice or the words that just slipped through my lips.
As soon as I said the words, he dropped down into a squat, his elbows on his knees, face in hands and I can hear the sobs racking from his body. A full body cry. He sits there for a beat, trying to compose himself, like my words have somehow freed him from something.
I don’t know what else to do, so I kneel down to his level. I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder.
“Listen man, I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I came out here with all intents and purposes to tell you to fuck off and get lost. But something switched inside of me, and I just felt like I needed to give you that. I’m still pissed as hell and I truthfully never want to see you again, but I feel like I no longerneedto hateyou.”
He looks up at me, face still wet—“We all fuck up. Trust me, I’ve done my fair share. Some fuck ups just have worse outcomes than others.”
I stand up, and he follows suit.
“Thank you.” He can hardly get the words out.
I nod, and hold the envelope up.
I turn to head back inside, but before I reach the doors, I turn back towards him
“Right before the accident, my mom said the words,let’s do better.I think if we both go forward trying to do that, that’s what counts.”
My chest is tight, and I have felt like a stranger in my own body the last few minutes. Forgiveness. Something I never thought much about until I was staring straight in the face of someone who desperately needed mine.
I walk straight up to my loft, knowing Birdie is in her office, knowing I need a safe place right now.
I step into the apartment and can hear her early 2000s rock pop playlist floating throughout the whole apartment. It makes me smile. I love her taste in music. But that’s not surprising, there’s really nothing I don’t love about the girl.
I lean against the door jam of her office, and she’s laser focused on her computer screen. Her fingers are moving across her keyboard like she’s playing music, but that music is words, weaving together a story.
I sit there and stare for awhile, still trying to process the last fifteen minutes. I’m holding the envelope, itching to see what’s inside, but I didn’t want to do it without Birdie. I just needed to be near her.
“Holy Shit, Dawsen!!! You scared me!” She rolls back in her swivel chair, slapping her hand to her chest!
I just smile softly at her. “My bad!” I say, making my way over to her.
“What’s wrong? What’s that?” She senses things being off almost immediately. I hold up the envelope, “The drunk driver that hit my mom and I just showed up downstairs. I talked to him, and he gave me this.”
“Holy shit…again… What did he say?” She says, standing to her feet and rushing over to me. She grabs my hands, “Are you okay?”
“I’m surprisingly okay. Bird, I forgave him. I wasn’t expecting to, but he was standing there, and something like twisted inside of me, and it just came out.”
She pulls me into her. Her arms are wrapped around my back, and her face is pressed against my chest.
“Did it feel good?”
“So fucking good. Like I was finally able to relax my shoulders or something.”
“I’m so proud of you, honey.” She whispers. I can feel her warm breath against me.
