Page 17 of Empty Heat
“One step at a time, all right? This is your third day here if you count arrival day. Not everything gets fixed overnight. We are here to work with you. And you can take as long as you need. You’re here for a week, but as we’ve told you before, that can be extended by your therapist. Meaning me.”
“Okay.” I blinked away my tears. “So just breathe, right?”
He chuckled. “You can cry if you want. Whatever feels right.”
I decided to change the subject. “What is Soren like?”
“Ah, well, that question was out of the blue.”
“I was thinking what alpha would even have the patience to deal with me? Outside of Omega Island, I mean. And then I thought, well, Soren is my sex surrogate. And I just want to know what he’s like.”
“He’s patient and calm. All the things you need to feel secure. You’ll see.”
“Is he big?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“Problem?” Rhodes asked.
When I didn’t answer right away, Rhodes put his hand on my arm. “Callum, don’t forget you can have your choice of surrogates. It’s simply that he was matched to you. But you don’t have to consent. It’s not a done deal.”
“But it is. If I want to get a healthy mind and body with an attitude toward one day having a family, I need to do what you all say. I need to give myself into this therapy. Accept it.”
“Yes. And that’s a great attitude to have coming here. But that doesn’t mean you give up all your choices. It’s important for you to know that you have a choice, Callum. You need to have that in your life. You should have had that when you had your first sexual experience.”
“All that sounds good on paper.” In reality, I knew sometimes to achieve a goal you had no choice but to suffer a bit. Life was hard often enough.
“It does sound good,” Rhodes said. “But we’re here to empower you. To teach you that you can make good and solid decisions. In the meantime, we will also teach you about yourself and your body.”
“I’ll be empowered by knowledge.”
“Yes.”
“I really do hate all of this,” I confessed. “That I even have to be here. I mean, I love this place. It’s beautiful. I woke to such a feeling of peace surrounding me. It’s a great retreat. But I hate the reasons why I’m here. I hate my body. All of it.”
Rhodes’ hand went to my arm again, and he held my gaze. “You work hard to groom yourself, every lovely hair in place, a nice golden tan. You have a beautifully sculpted body any alpha would envy. You can’t hate that.”
“It’s what I hide behind. It’s not the reality ofme.” Tears again, damn it. “It’s all twisted up. Alphas notice me and I decline each and every one. Yet I want to look good to the outside world, like nothing’s wrong. Like Iamworthy.”
“But you are worthy.”
“See? All twisted up. My doctors have upset me more often than not. My therapists just want to hear about my week, or if I had any dates yet, encouraging me to go out with alphas. Which I always procrastinate doing. And when I did finally go out in college, it ended up sucking.” I gasped when I finished. My eyes stung.
“All right.” Rhodes squeezed my forearm. “All right. It’s going to get better. I promise. You won’t leave here, or my care, until we have given you an arsenal to work with. That includes choices and, of course, limits if you have them with guidelines to work within them.”
“I know. I know. You’re wonderful, Rhodes. You are great. I’m not criticizing you.”
“I didn’t think that. I only want you to be a little patient with yourself.”
“And with this place, right?”
“No. You can be as impatient as you wish. But with yourself, I ask you to be patient. To give yourself room to breathe and be. This is the ideal healing place for that.”
I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. But he was right. I was frustrated with myself more than the world, more than doctors and alphas and roles. I was stuck and I felt like I couldn’t move in any direction. It was the worst feeling and I blamed myself.
I did trust Rhodes. I felt I could tell him anything. But there was a shame. I didn’t want anyone to see that. And the sting of tears I felt were shame-based and crashed through my heart like knives of rain.
