Page 14 of Forever Christmas
Time passes imperceptibly. The air conditioner kicks on and off and on again. The kitchen faucet drips. Cars pull into the parking lot of the apartment complex, doors slamming, footstepscrossing wood bridges to the units all around.
Then I hear the soft knock, as if Tina is afraid to wake me.
I stand slowly, like I’m one hundred years old, feeling the stiffness from holding my position too long out of fear.
When I pull the door open, Tina immediately steps into a hug. This is new. Tina is not a hugger.
She kicks the door closed, dropping us into semi-blackness. I hadn’t realizedI was living in the dark until I saw the light from a door.
Tina walks around, flipping switches and opening blinds. My eyes drop to her belly. She’s tiny, so her belly bump is already quite pronounced. She hasn’t bought any proper maternity clothes, so her shirt is stretched to the max above a broomstick skirt and delicate ballet flats.
Her usual twiggy blond ponytails coming off the back ofher head are longer and fuller. Pregnancy makes your hair thicker.
I touch mine. It’s too early for me to notice that effect yet.
“So tell me about the blood,” Tina says, her voice no nonsense. She drops onto the sofa, tossing her keys on the coffee table.
“There wasn’t any,” I say. “I just felt it suddenly. I absolutely knew it was there. But it was nothing.”
“All in your head,” she sayswryly, looking behind me at the wall. Finn’s pictures are there. I figure that’s what she sees. “At least that’s what male doctors say when women have female issues.”
“My ob/gyn is really nice,” I say. “He wouldn’t say that.”
Tina nods. “Mine is pretty great too. This time.”
I wonder what her old doctor had said to her about her premature labor and losing a baby as a teen. Obviously somethingpatronizing or diminishing. It was a common thing, and not just for pregnant mothers. All women. When you found a good doctor, male or female, who cared enough to actually listen, you definitely held on.
She straightens her skirt. “Back when I was in a support group, one of the women, Melinda, hallucinated blood on the floor all the time. It’s because she got blood all over her tile floor.”
“That’s terrible!” I exclaim, already feeling better about my situation compared to hers. “Did she have a baby?”
“Yeah, about a year later. She got pregnant again pretty fast.”
“So it happens to others.” I can’t imagine seeing blood on the floor just randomly. Although it was definitely no better to feel it. But maybe now that it’s happened once, I can control my panic the next time.
“How’sthe breathing thing?” she asks. Her eyes don’t leave my face. She’s not going to give me a pass on this issue. She knows I used to get so strung out that I would hold my breath until I went unconscious.
“I haven’t done it in forever.” My voice is serious, but firm so she knows I mean it. “I’m not going to hurt the baby by doing that.”
“Good,” she says. “It’s okay to be worried. Even women whohaven’t lost a baby get paranoid.”
Paranoid. Is that what I am? Probably.
“We won’t be able to see the baby’s heart clearly until I’m four months along,” I tell her.
“That’s long. What happens if this one has the problem?”
“I have no idea. They can’t do anything to fix it until they are born. It’s difficult surgery already.”
“You look things up today? Is that what made you panic?”
“No, Imoved one of Gavin’s weights and had a pain.”
She won’t lecture me on lifting things. She knows that I’m aware of the rules. And that things happen. You forget. Or you have no choice. Or it just happens whether you play it safe or not.
“It’s probably nothing. Did you call your doctor?”
I shake my head. “He’s new and I haven’t even seen him yet.”
