Page 79 of The Princess of Nothing
“I will find them,” he promised. “You have a lot on your shoulders as it is, although the sentiment is not lost on me.”
I clasped my fingers together. “I’ll still help regardless.”
“I know.”
“Also, I had something else to ask you.” I placed my hand on his, feeling a buzz between us.
His gaze flitted to mine, softening at the corners. “What is it?”
“I need to build an army. I don’t know where to start, but I do know I need a place to begin.”
His expression dropped. “If you’re thinking of building one here, I can’t. Not with the attempts to weaken me. To kill me. They have the sword. One luna could slip through disguised to be on your side with the sword, and it will all be over for me.”
“I highly doubt Edgar will let the sword out of his sight, seeing as it’s the only weapon he has against you. Also, even if it is brought into the kingdom, it means we could take it from them and be one step closer to uniting the Objects of Kai.” I smiled. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I have no choice but to press the matter. I can’t go on like this. I’m supposed to be queen.” My hands started to shake. “I need this. I’ve had a hard time recently. When I said you didn’t need to hide your darkness, it’s because I understand it. I feel it. I’ve made bad decisions that have hurt people. I carry so much weight in my chest, sometimes I feel as if I may die.”
“I didn’t know you were feeling so awful.” He looked up. “I was told you were kept prisoner. It must have been hard, I know.”
“Prisoner.” My shoulders slumped forward. “They tortured me. Badly. Every day...” I sniffled. Sobs escaped through my lips as my chest caved forward. “I was covered in blisters, sores, insect bites, stings, and a snake bite from a redthorn viper. My skin was burned to the point where I couldn’t move. I was starved. I could literally place my fingers under my ribs, Blaise. I barely slept, and they gave me just enough water to keep me alive. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I feel like I’m back there,” I admitted. “Some days I don’t want to carry on. I feel too broken. Too much has happened to me for me to be a good queen, or anything else, to anyone. I keep it all in here.” I pointed at my forehead. “But I want to scream, loudly, into the sky until my voice runs dry.” My chest heaved as I cried into my hands, tears running down my fingers and palms.
He pulled me into him, running his hand through my hair, and kissed my head. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I didn’t. I’m sorry, so sorry.”
When I looked up, his pained gaze landed on mine.
“I’ll kill them for it.”
I wiped my nose and eyes with the back of my sleeve. “I will too. Revenge is one of the few things keeping me going.” I inhaled sharply. “It was Xenos mainly. Kiros is just a fool, led by his father. I healed quickly, thanks to a paste made from unicorn horns and its blood, which nourished me. They put it in my tea. It’s sickening. They’ve been killing them. Cedric and I saw one in the Forest of Tranquillium. They’re liars, pretending to be above us. They’re simply better at hiding their misdeeds.” My thoughts raced as I moved away from the topic of my torture, a place I didn’t like to linger in for too long.
He shook his head. “It’s no secret I despise Xenos and his family.”
“His daughter is pretty nice actually. I like her.” I sniffed. “I’m sorry for crying so much.”
He touched my chin and ran his finger up to my hairline. “It’s okay to break down. We can’t be strong all the time. But you should know, love...” He wiped my tears. “That you are not too broken. If you’re too far gone, then I don’t have a hope left in my salvation.”
“I’ve hurt so many people. Birch. Morgana. Even Kiros. Men have died for me. All for what? The girl who can’t pull herself together, a queen without a crown. I’m afraid for Cedric.” I approached the subject carefully. “He won’t survive me.”
“Only a king can survive a queen’s love. Everyone knows that.”
I half-laughed, half-cried. “I never said anything about love.”
He smirked. “Good.”
“But... I’m a disaster. I’m sure no one can survive being with me. Not even a king.”
He smiled softly. “People will die for you, Winter. It comes with the job.” He pressed his hand against my chest. “I share your burden. I also know we must always appear strong. Leaders must be fearless.” He paused. “But when you’re with me, you can let go. Cry. Scream. I’ll take you into the darkest part of the forest, and we can scream together.”
I chuckled. “You’re sweet sometimes.”
“Glad to be of service. Like I said, if you feel like you’re going to break, come and find me.”
I squeezed his hand. “So can you.”
Silence hung between us.
“You can build your army here, but I want each of them thoroughly searched, by my guards and yours. I assume you know who to reach out to first. Who is loyal to you? There are towns near here that are near military strongholds. Your people can stay in the villages surrounding it.”
“Thank you.” I croaked. “I don’t know what to say... I—” I spoke sensitively. “Are you sure you are okay with Cedric staying here?” I looked down at my fingers, picking at my cuticles. “With me I mean?”
“I was wrong to say what I did before. I wasn’t in my right mind that night. I want you to be happy, so whatever it means.”
