Page 126 of Tiger's Voyage
“Yes. Goodnight.” I took two steps away from him and felt his hand on my arm.
“Wait. I’ll walk with you.”
I quickly glanced away from his confused face and hesitated briefly before I spoke. “Umm … you’d better not.Kishanis … waiting for me.”
His face darkened. “You’re … still going withhim?”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“But didn’t anything I say make a difference to you?Kelsey—” He grabbed my hand and cupped it between his. “I canbewith you again. I cantouchyou.” He brought my hand up to his cheek and pressed it there. “I canholdyou. I canstay nearyou.” He pulled my palm down to his lips and closed his eyes as he kissed it.
He opened them slowly, and I gulped. “Iknow, Ren, but … it doesn’t matter. I’m … I’m withKishannow.”
He dropped my hand as his blue eyes turned icy. “What do you mean you’rewithKishan now?”
“Kishan and I are dating now. You remember that, don’t you? Look, we’ll talk about it more tomorrow, okay?” I turned around.
He stepped around me and with a tightly controlled voice said, “I don’t want to talk about it tomorrow, Kells. I want to talk about this now.”
“Ren, I don’t have the energy to fight about this right now. I need some time to process all this. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
He snagged my hand and tugged me lightly toward him. He pulled me closer and closer until my nose was an inch from his and my back was bent as I tried to keep some distance from him. He leaned toward me and I couldn’t help but stare at his mouth. I panicked thinking he was going to kiss me, but instead, he pressed his lips against my cheek and said, “Fine. Go sleep now, but understand one thing. I willnotlose you again,meri aadoo.”
“What does that mean?”
He smiled and whispered, “It means …my peach.”
He straightened and let me go. I turned around and headed quickly for the door. Kishan waited for me near the exercise equipment and when I came closer, he held out his hand. I smiled and took it while he stared over my head. I turned and saw Ren was casually leaning against the door. He watched as Kishan led me off.
When we stepped into the elevator, Ren stood rooted in the same spot, watching us thoughtfully as we descended into the darkness.
When we got to my room, I went to the bathroom to change into my pajamas. Kishan was sitting in a chair waiting for me when I came out. I sat on the bed and crossed my legs under me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m fine. I’d like to sleep now and talk about it later, if you don’t mind.”
“Okay. I’m going to help Mr. Kadam tonight. See you in the morning.” He stood and pulled the covers over me, tucking me in, pressed a kiss on my forehead, and gently closed the door behind him.
I turned out the light and twisted and squirmed until I got the heavy covers off and pulled my quilt over me instead. I suddenly realized that Ren knew how to tuck me in and Kishan didn’t. Angrily, I tossed Grandma’s blanket onto the chair and yanked the heavy coverlet up to my chin, stubbornly determined to fall asleep the way Kishan tucked me in. I fell asleep a long time later but moved restlessly all night.
When I woke up, I found that my feet were at the head of the bed and my arm was dangling over the side. I dragged my tired body to the shower and stared at my droopy, baggy eyes in the mirror afterward.
What am I going to do? Ren just wants to pick up where we left off.Can I do that? Can I hurt Kishan like that? Am I that kind of a person?What do I feel for Kishan? More than friendship, surely. He’s steady, reliable,comforting. Sheesh! I sound like I’m describing an old car. So what does thatmean? He’s the Pinto to Ren’s Corvette? No. That’s not true either. I guess thereal question here is what do I feel for Ren?
My heart thudded heavily in response as I allowed myself to picture him. The way I felt when he held me. The way my heart skipped when he touched my wrist. The way I trembled when he looked at me. I closed my eyes and tried to center myself. Set my mind apart from my feelings and analyze the situation logically.
No. I am not the kind of person to do that to Kishan. I told him Iwouldn’t let him be alone again. Ren knew what he was doing even though hecouldn’t remember. He had his chance and he gave me away. Kishan deservesto have his chance too. There. I’ve made my choice. My choice is to stay withKishan.
With my decision made, I turned the key to my heart. I locked my feelings for Ren away deep inside me and left only the part of my heart open that belonged to Kishan. I felt cramped and uncomfortable, like I was trying to breathe on only one lung, but I had just enough heart left to function. More than a sliver anyway. So what if the other part of my heart was pounding like I’d wrapped a tourniquet around it? So what if it was ready to burst and undo me utterly? So what if I felt limited, stifled? I could learn to adapt to it like Chinese girls who learn to walk on bound feet. Sure, it would be painful at first, but eventually I’d get used to it.
Heartstrings fully taut, binding my emotions in place, pinching me like tight stays on a corset, I pulled on some clothes and reluctantly made my way up to the wheelhouse. I stopped at Kishan’s door and cracked it open. He was sleeping, the sheets bunched around his waist. I walked over to the bed and smoothed the hair away from his face. He smiled in his sleep and turned over. I left him and headed for the elevator.
When I reached the glass door, I found a blue silk rose with a folded note taped to it. I pulled the paper off and opened the note. Inside was a pair of pearl earrings and a poem.
Know you, perchance, how that poor formless wretch—
The Oyster—gems his shallow moonlit chalice?
