Page 15 of The Way I Am Now
He looks down at his hands, then back up at me, squinting.
“He’s my friendnow. And he’s helped me a lot, and he’s really kind, and you were a total jackass to him.”
“I know I was!” he shouts. “But he was being a jackass too.”
“No, he wasn’t.”
He scoffs and shakes his head. “You just didn’t see it,” he says, dismissing me.
I hate when he gets mad—it’s dizzying and scary and makes me want to be small and back down. It makes me feel weak, which scares me more than anything else. “You know I didn’t plan to run into him there, don’t you?” I finally say, giving up the last shred of self-respect I was clinging to.
“I know,” he admits.
“Then why are you being like this?”
He turns his head and looks at me like I’m an idiot. “You know, I do realize that you’re a ten and I’m like, what, a three,” he says, softer now, more like his usual self. “On a good day.”
“What?” I laugh. “I’m not a—”
“And that fucking guy.Miller,” he mutters, knowing his name after all. “I mean, Jesus, could he be any taller?”
“Wait, so you’re really just . . . jealous?”
He shrugs and nods, his cheeks darkening, embarrassed now.
“And that’s why you’re being mean and insulting me?”
“I’m sorry.” He extends one arm toward me and taps the fingers of my right hand with his left. “I really am. It’s just that, I don’t know, ever since we’ve been together, I feel really insecure. Like you’re gonna realize you’re way out of my league and—”
“That’s not even—” I try to interrupt, but he interrupts me right back.
“No, I’m serious. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I’m gonna lose you to someone just like him.”
I reach for his hand now, and he pulls me into a hug.
“You don’t need to be worried about that,” I tell him. Because it wouldn’t be someonelikeJosh—there’s no one like Josh—it wouldbeJosh.
He tilts my chin up as he looks at me, and I can’t tell what he’s really thinking, but he leans down and presses his lips against mine. He wraps his arms around me again and says “I’m sorry” one more time.
I should tell him it’s okay. Not because it is, but more in the spirit of making up. I can’t force myself to do it, though, not when I can close my eyes and still feel Josh’s arms around me.
“Will you stay over tonight?” he mumbles into my hair before pulling away to look at me. “My dad’s at his girlfriend’s house. You could tell your mom you’re sleeping at Mara’s.”
All I want to do is go home, flop onto the couch, and fall asleep with the TV on. But before I can even think of a response or an excuse, he continues.
“It’s just—I feel like we haven’t had any alone time lately. We’re always with Mara and Cam. You know I love them, but I miss just us.”
“I’ll text Vanessa—I mean my mom,” I correct myself. Trying to get back into the habit. My therapist says it will be good for me to start calling my parents Mom and Dad, that eventually I’ll start feeling like we’re family again.
We walk in and I spot Mara and Cameron in a booth near the kitchen. I send Steve over and signal to Mara that I’m going to go to the bathroom. When I get inside, I lean against the sink and wait for her. “A little tense out there,” Mara says.
“Just a little,” I agree. “Honestly, did I do anything that wrong?”
“No—I mean, no, but . . . ,” Mara hesitates, hoisting her bag up on the counter. “It was kinda scary when you weren’t texting back, but Steve was definitely being a little agro jerk. Which is bizarre, because he’s like the king of calm.”
“Not always,” I mutter. Didn’t she remember that day in the hall four months ago when he told me off in front of everyone in our study hall? He called me a bitch, which was fair enough, but then he also called me a slut, and no matter how many times he’s apologized for both, I don’t think I’ve quite forgiven him for that one. “I can’t believe he brought up that stupid party.”
Mara’s lips twist, and she sucks in a breath, hissing. “Yeah, that was a pretty low blow. I guess even big, sweet teddy bears like Steve can be assholes sometimes.”
