Page 73 of The Way I Am Now
“Oh,” she breathes. “It’s nothing.”
“Well, I’ve seen you do that a few times now, when you think I’m sleeping.” I push her hair back behind her ear, try to be gentle. “I know it’s none of my business,” I repeat. “But are you okay?”
“It’s just to help me sleep.”
“You’re having trouble sleeping again?”
“Not again,” she corrects me. “Still.”
How did I not know that?“Oh. I’m sorry,” I whisper. “What can I do?”
She curls up to me and says, “This.”
I tighten my arms around her and decide not to mention the other pills I saw in her room.
“It’s not ‘none of your business,’ Josh,” she says. “I was going to tell you; I just didn’t want you to worry.”
“Thanks for telling me now. It actually makes me worry a little less just knowing.”
“Really?” she asks, her voice sounding small in the silence of the night.
I nod.
“There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“All right?” I answer, trying to prepare myself to act surprised about the other pills.
“One of the reasons I wanted to have your birthday early,” she begins, “is because I have to be away next week.”
And now she’s surprised me for a second time tonight. “Wait, where? Why?”
“There’s a hearing. I’ll have to be back home for a couple of days at least. The DA said I should plan for the whole week, just in case.”
“What?” I say too loudly. “But they can’t just expect you to drop everything at the last minute.”
“Yeah,” she whispers, looking down as she runs her fingers along my collarbone, neck, jaw. “I’ve known about it for a few months.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why she wouldn’t have told me. That’s not the important thing right now, though, so I try to push that out of my head. “I’m coming with you, obviously.”
“No.” She stops touching my face and finally meets my eyes. “It’s really not a huge deal.”
“Itisa huge deal.” I sit up now. “Can I just ask, why didn’t you tell me before now?”
She sits up too and pulls the sheet close to her body. “Don’t be mad—”
“No, I’m not mad,” I interrupt. “I’m not mad at you at all; I’m just . . .” I stop myself from saying “worried” and settle on “confused.”
“Things have been so wonderful,” she says, rubbing her head like it hurts.
“Yeah,” I agree. “They have. They are.”
“Well, I didn’t want to ruin it by talking about all this fucked-up shit.”
“Okay, but we can’t just ignore it, either.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she snaps at me.
I shake my head. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant.”
