Page 20 of The Way I Am Now
I clench the now-empty can between my hands. “You realize what a fucking asshole you sound like, right?”
“Whoa, Miller.” Zac nudges me with his elbow. “Chill.”
Dominic gives me a questioning look. He has my back, though he has no idea why; that’s what makes him a good friend. “No really, Zac,” he taunts. “Tell us you’re an assholewithouttelling us you’re an asshole, am I right?”
People laugh at that, but Zac’s still looking at me like I really had knocked him on his ass.Good.
“Well, it’s not just her,” the cheerleader says. “There’s like at least one or two other girls. I don’t know who they are, but it’s a whole thing.”
“Forreal,” the other girl adds, slurring. “Like I heard there’s’posed to be a trial and everything.”
I spot a case of beer someone has brought up, and gesture for one. I open it immediately. Drink fast. This is too hard.
“Is it terrible,” a small voice says, “that I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true?”
Next to me, on the bench below mine, I see it’s that girl who’s spoken. Hannah, the one from the show, the one Zac was talking about. She looks up at me and smiles quickly before looking away.
“Oh my God,” her friend who’s sitting next to her says, gripping her arm. “What do you mean?”
“No! God, no. He never did anything to me,” she responds, “but I was alone with him once after a game, and he totally creeped me out.”
“How?” I ask. Dominic shoots me another look, making me aware that I’m being too intense. “I mean, why, wh-what did he do?”
“Oh, um,” she stutters, blushing like she’s surprised I’m talking to her. “It wasn’t really anything he did, exactly,” she continues. “Just a feeling, I don’t know.” She shrugs. “The way he was looking at me, maybe? Like, weird. Sort of . . .” She pauses and stares off like she’s trying to remember more clearly.
And for a second—a split second, now that I’m really looking at her—I see something in her that reminds me of Eden somehow. I take a drink. It’s not that she looks like her; she doesn’t. It’s something deeper, and I think it must be a shyness in her gestures that reminds me of her. It hits me with way too much clarity as I wait for her to finish talking. Kevin must’ve seen this quality too, whatever it is, in this girl. Just like he must’ve seen it in Eden. Like some part of her is unprotected, vulnerable. The thought that I might be seeing something he saw scares me.
“Predatory,” she finishes with confidence, but then shakes her head and lets out this small laugh. “Whatever, I don’t know. I just know it made me not want to ever be alone with him again. Like ever.”
“Yeah, that’s probably a good thing.” I nod, biting back any more words. Someone’s handing me another drink. I’m drinking way too much, too fast, but I take it anyway. Dominic is making some kind of hand gesture, likeslow down, but if he had any idea how hard this is right now, he wouldn’t blame me.
“Well, this all makes so much sense,” Hannah’s friend says. “I always thought Kevin Armstrong was super hot. And I’m only attracted to complete psychopaths. So yeah, that tracks.”
Everyone laughs like it’s all a big joke.
I stand too quickly, and the world sways. I have to grab the railing to stay balanced.
“Where you goin’?” Zac yells after me. “Hey, Miller!”
I don’t even acknowledge him. Just concentrate on walking down these steps without spilling my drink. I make it to the bottom, and somehow Dominic is suddenly there, standing in front of me. I turn around to look—wasn’t he just up there with the rest of them? And as I’m turning back to face him, he’s got his hand on my shoulder like he’s steadying me.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. “I’m gonna fly solo for a bit, that’s all.”
“What?” he asks, looking thoroughly confused.
“You know, theeaglemetaphor thing?”
“You are shwasted right now and still using the word ‘metaphor,’” he tells me, shaking his head. “How are you so drunk already?”
“I don’t drink, ’member?”
“Listen, I’m gonna need to sober up a little before I can drive us. You really okay on your own for a while?”
“I’m fine. I’m just—I’m gonna talk a walk.”
“You’re gonna talk a walk?” he repeats.
