Page 60 of Cross My Heart
“Fuck, no.” It comes out harsher than I intended. “No, I’m not really sure how she got the address.”
“Have you found her yet? To see what she wanted?” She asks without looking at me.
Sighing, I tell her no. “It’s almost like she is in hiding. I can’t figure out her game plan, but she was never very good at being patient, so I suspect she’ll find me again soon enough.”
“Do you think sh-she’s dangerous?” I sense Lanie’s fear in her question.
I turn her face to mine so she can see how serious I am, “No, Lanie. I don’t. She may be a bitch, but she has never been violent before. I haven’t figured out what she is after, but I promise you I will. She will never come near you again, I swear.”
She nods, facing the ocean again.
After a while, Lanie turns so she is lying on her side between my legs. From this angle, I can’t help but see her cleavage pressed between her arms, her hand on my thigh. She has very rarely made the first move, and I have had a severe case of blue balls for the last month. I’ve endured it because I want her to know I’m doing this at her pace, but when she angles her body against me like this, I lose all my brainpower. That’s precisely why I am caught off guard when she suddenly moves to straddle me.
“Awe, Lanie?” I question, my voice so deep and husky I hardly recognize it as my own. She doesn’t answer. Instead, she very slowly and gently kisses my lips. It isn’t the same type of kiss we have shared in the past. This kiss feels like she is trying to tell me something. I can feel her heart and soul in this kiss, it scares me a little. It feels like a goodbye kiss. I don’t try to take control, I let her tell me everything she can’t say with words and hope to God I’m not translating this kiss correctly.
Eventually, she pulls away and lays her head on my chest. I feel my shirt getting wet and I realize she is crying. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
“N-nothing,” she manages.
“If it’s nothing, then why are you crying?” I implore.
“I just wanted to say thank you. This has been the best month of my life, you have made me feel special and loved. You’ve done everything I could ever hope someone would do,” she laments.
“Lanie? Why do I feel like there is a but coming?” I ask, her tears starting to fall again.
“Dex, I just don’t think I can be what you deserve,” she sobs.
“What? What are you talking about? Lanie, you have made my house a home. You’ve made me happier than I have been in years, where is this coming from?” I feel desperate for her answer.
She hiccups, trying to compose herself. “Dex, I can feel your reaction to me.”
Embarrassed, that’s what I am right now. “Yeah, well, that little asshole has a mind of its own. I told you I can’t always control it, but I’ve never acted on it. Have I made you feel pressure to do something you’re not ready for?”
“No, it’s not that,” she confesses.
“Then what, Lanie? What’s bothering you?” She tries to turn but I hold her steady, loving the way my hands fit on her hips.
“Please, Dex, let me turn around. I don’t know if I can say this to your face.”
My stomach knots immediately. It’s a heavy, solid feeling that makes me feel like I might be emptying all its contents before this conversation is over. It takes all my willpower to let her turn around. Once she is settled, I wrap her in an embrace and hold her tight to my front. It feels like an eternity before she speaks.
“When I was in the hospital, those first few days, I wasn’t fully awake. I would hear bits and pieces of conversations but couldn’t open my eyes.” Scared of where this is going and not wanting to get her off track, I give her a gentle squeeze of encouragement.
“The first thing I remember is someone telling Mimi they ordered a rape kit.” I suck in a breath, not sure I’m strong enough to hold it together for her.
“When I came to, everyone tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t let them. I didn’t remember it, I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know anything about my attack. In my head, it was just better for me to believe it never happened. I was a flirt when I was younger, but I was never very sexually active. I had one boyfriend in my senior year of high school, we broke up after a couple of years, and I just focused on school.”
“Whatever it is, Lanie, I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she cries. “You don’t understand. I don’t know if I can ever be intimate with someone and not have flashbacks to what might have happened. I don’t know if I can ever look at my body and not be reminded of my attack every time, but I don’t think I am strong enough to find out the truth either. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable being with anyone sexually ever again. You deserve better than that. You deserve more than a damaged freak. You deserve someone more than me.”
I try to interrupt, but she steamrolls me. “I love your kids, Dexter. They give me a purpose I haven’t had in a very long time. I’m terrified if whatever this is between us doesn’t work out, I’ll lose them too. I’m scared that if it does work out, I’ll mess them up.
Do you know the first question I asked Mimi when I was coherent enough in the hospital? I asked if my mom knew what happened. I wondered if she had come to visit me. Turns out, she did know and chose not to visit. I found out later she told people at the bar that I must have done something to provoke the attack. That she always knew my slutty looks would bite me in the ass.”
I’m silent for a long time. Part of me wants to make sure she is done, and part of me needs a minute to process everything she just told me.
Fuck, I really wish I could consult Julia right now.
