Page 137 of Facing Off
My head drops. I’m shrinking into myself, my voice growing smaller. “He called me afterwards, but I didn’t pick up. I put my phone on silent until almost midnight. That’s how long it took for me to kick myself and realize my best friend deserved better.”
I flinch. “Turns out, Jesse being Jesse, had already tried to come over and see me. Only—it was raining, and he turned his car too fast around a corner and it slid off the road, and by—by the time I was calling him back, he was already gone.”
My eyes scrunch tight. “If I had gone and celebrated with him like I should have, Jesse might still be here. Instead, on the last day of his life, I was jealous of my best friend.”
There’s a pressure on my shoulder. It’s Jesse’s dad leaning against me, dabbing his eyes.
“The only reason,” I choke out, “that I’ve made it this far in life is because of you, Mr. Osler. After his funeral, you pushed me to keep going, to make it professionally, to do it for Jesse. And?—“
I can’t take it anymore. I mumble an apology and walk offstage.
Jesse’s dad follows me and waits until we’re off to the side, away from the podium, before he pulls me against him, holding and hugging me fiercely.
“I’m s-sorry,” I shudder. “It’s my fault?—”
“It’s not your fault?—“
“—I promise you, I’m trying to be better. To always be there, to always pick up the phone, to not think about myself over others. For Jesse.”
He pulls back and grips my shoulders. “That must be exhausting, son.”
My face crumbles.It is.
“It’s been way too long, Adrian. You have to let go.Whatever happened that night, it wasn’t your fault. You were only a kid. A kid with a good heart.” He hugs me again. “Son, it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault, son.”
I cling to him. I can’t let go.
He doesn’t let me try. “He loved you, Adrian.”
“I l-loved him, too.”
“I know. That’s why you have to forgive yourself. You have to let go of the guilt. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault.”
I think—for the first time—I do hear him. And I start to think that I could forgive myself. This rock that’s lived in my chest for a really long time starts to break down.
53
SONYA
There was a period of time,especially before Quinn came back into my life and before I met Kavi, that I thought my heart was shriveled—in a good way. It was a point of pride, this not-caring-about-anything strength.
Watching Adrian on stage today, I know, unequivocally, my heart exists. It’s not shriveled at all and I should be looking on the floor for it, because it’s been wrenched out of me. Not that it’ll get lost. How could it be when it’s heading towards the stage, to him?
I’m rubbing my wrists and grinding my teeth. My body wants to follow. It hurts keeping myself back, and it hurts even more listening to him breaking down talking about Jesse.
Mr. Osler is right.
What he’s doing, I want to be doing.
Clinging to him and repeatingit’s not your fault. Over and over until Adrian can never think anything else.He was a kid. It devastates me that he’s been keeping this kind of pain and guilt inside him. I also get it now, even more, why he’s always so afraid of letting people down.
As soon as Adrian and Mr. Osler pull apart, I step in. As if it’s the most natural thing in the world, I hold my arms open.
Adrian didn’t expect the gesture, and in fact, he looks shattered by it. He closes the gap between us and melts into me. His face is buried in my hair, and he’s inhaling deeply. I’m not the best with helpful words, but I try. “You’re so brave, you can’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. It’s going to be okay?—”
His breathing finally slows. Adrian tries to give me some space, I think he’s afraid he’s crushing me. I don’t let him go. I hold him harder, harder, and harder.
Until there it is.
