Page 143 of Facing Off
It didn’t happen all at once.
I said Jesse’s name to Sonya when we were flying to Oslo. After I mentioned him to Jung at practice. And then like a cracked dam, I burst apart at the memorial. And since? My family knows. Now my team does, too.
What I’ve hidden shamefully for so long is supposed to lose power the more I talk about it. It hasn’t lost power. It’s transformed. Now, instead of fearing every reminder of Jesse, almost to the point of trying to forget him, suddenly I want to share how much he meant to me.
So I do.
We get up and join my mom, sisters, and Sonya—who have been patiently watching everything unfold from the sidelines—and I share more about Jesse. A lot of good memories come out, glowing bright. And this old weight—that I have to face and fix everything alone—soundlessly falls off my shoulder.
56
SONYA
“He’s always lookedat you, you know.” Quinn hands me a glass of pink lemonade. “But now I see you’re looking back.”
I could pretend I don’t know who he’s talking about, but across the backyard, Adrian waves eagerly at us.
I shield my face, pretending not to see—but really, I’m covering a smile that threatens to curve my lips up. Until he pouts. Then I give him a barely-there two-finger wave.
“Does he make you happy?” Quinn wonders, watching me closely.
I choke on my lemonade. “We haven’t said or labeled anything?—”
“That wasn’t what I wanted to know.”
No, it wasn’t.
Sid shrieks with laughter. Them and Adrian are taking turns spraying each other with water guns, and I know from the way he keeps sneaking looks in my direction, he wants to invite me over.
This man. This ridiculous and nonsensical man. Compared to him, I’m logic-driven and moody. Oftenscowling and needing to be coaxed out of an antisocial shell. And…
None of that answers what my brother is asking me.
I cough a single word into my hand. “Yes.”
He does, somehow and paradoxically, make me happy. And I…want to make him happy. What that equates to, I’m trying not to overthink, or, really, think about even. Even if Iamthinking about it, almost all the time.
Quinn hooks an arm around my shoulders for five seconds. A flash of a squeeze like usual as if he’s always making sure he doesn’t overdo the gesture and overwhelm me. “That’s all that matters. Your happiness.”
I pat his arm. “…I appreciate that.”
For the next few minutes, we watch the party unfold. There’s a gazebo with seating fit for a hockey team, plus more, and what’s probably the largest barbecue contraption ever built, firing up more food. It’s like four barbecues melted into one mega-grill. Then there’s a busy side games area, complete with a DIY backyard bowling lane, mega dice piled on the grass, and this multi-hued Jenga tower rising tall.
String lights are being turned on early because the glow is nice while more plates loaded with burgers are being handed out. Everyone’s been chatting, playing, and giving each other casual hugs. Some of Adrian’s sisters are flirting with the players, so the sound of laughter fills the air.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask Quinn.
“Always.”
“Did you ever have this feeling when we were younger?” I clasp my fingers together. “You know, the one where you catch sight of someone else’s life and can’t help but window-shop it. When you press your nose against the glass and dream about it being yours, not knowing howmuch of what you see is real or not.” A breath. “None of it could be, but that doesn’t stop you from wondering what it would be like if you could switch places or—not even that— just ask to come inside and stay for a while.” I chew on my lip, rocking back on my heels. “How… How do I know if I belong or it’s a temporary dream?”
“Wait here.”
I watch him go grab his jacket from the back of a chair. He rifles inside a pocket and takes out his wallet.
Coming back next to me, his fingers have a slight tremble when he pulls out a folded square.
I can’t properly see, but I’m scowling. “Are you trying to give memoney?”
