Page 12 of Our Bright Christmas Town
”Fifteen,” I said instead. Numbness coated my cheeks—might be the winter air, might be that my heart had gone quiet. “Maybe longer. But that’s when I realised it.”
“Before you even came out.” It wasn’t a question, but I answered anyway.
“Yeah. Let’s just say I’ve had better months.”
Something in Kieran’s expression cracked apart. “Shit, Ash. I should have noticed. How did I not notice?”
I swallowed around the pricks of a thousand tiny needles. “I didn’t want you to.”
“Why?” His hold around my wrist tightened. “It wouldn’t have changed—I mean, even if back then, maybe I wasn’t ready to… you know. Or maybe I’d have cottoned on more quickly and we could have?—”
“Kieran, no.” I wanted to sound firm, yet my voice trembled. My whole body did—just the cold, though, because I was fine. Or I would be fine. Somehow. “This? It’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. Because either you’d have tiptoed around me, like, not flirting with others when I’m around, that sort of thing. Or you’d have talked yourself into something that’s not true.”
“Something that’s not true?” he echoed, gently confused, like he honestly didn’t know what I could possibly mean. Everything hurt.
“You’d convince yourself you love me, too.” I shook my head, dizziness spinning through my empty chest. “But you don’t. Not like that.”
His mouth twisted, then firmed. “What if I do?”
God. A wave of hopeless, helpless love nearly forced me to my knees. “You don’t. And sooner or later, you’d realise it, and—just, no. It’d break me.”
“But what if Ido?” he insisted, more urgent, voice raised just enough to carry beyond the two of us. A group of party girls, five or six, hair and faces done up, parted around us as thoughwe were an island in the whitewater rush of a river. That’s how I’d used to think of our friendship—steady and solid, able to weather any storm. We’d get through this.
“You don’t, Kieran.” I tried to keep my voice even. “Trust me—I looked.”
“Maybe you didn’t look hard enough. Maybe I was just… I don’t know. Blind, slow, oblivious.” Christ, he just wasn’t giving up, was he? His hand still circled my wrist, and I fought the small, reckless impulse to take what was offered—grab him for a bruising kiss, bite at his lip, fingers digging into his forearms so hard it would leave a mark, a reminder. See how well he handled the full weight of what I wanted.
No. That was a ledge I couldn’t step back from.
“And,” Kieran continued, words slower now, heavy, “I was in denial. But when Dom and I kissed, it just all made sense, you know? Why I missed you quite so much.”
“Did it, really?” Tired sarcasm layered my voice, and I should free myself, take a step back. “So yesterday, when we put up the tree and you said you’d be curious to try something with a guy—you already knew you were in love with me?”
A brief moment of hesitation followed, carrying its own answer.
“Thought so,” I said, only I felt no triumph. Just a keen sense of resignation, a sudden ebb of adrenaline that left me empty. When I tried to shake off Kieran’s touch, though, he held on.
“Could youpleasestop jumping to conclusions?” he asked, voice painfully gentle. “I’m still catching up, okay? This is new for me. And I’ve never felt this way about anyone before—like, you’re my best friend, and I’m also attracted to you. So really, it’s not that complicated, is it? I love you. ”
“Aww,” a girl commented brightly, moving on before it even fully registered, and God, this was… We were outside in just ourjumpers, spilling our guts to the freezing December night. I was so fuckingcold.
“That’s just…” I paused to gather myself, managed to hold Kieran’s eyes for only a second. Everything about him screamed genuine intent. “You’re probably just confused. You figured out you fancy guys, and you already love me, and I happen to be attractive.” Did that sound arrogant? Maybe. But I sure didn’t have trouble finding a guy—I just didn’t care enough to make them stay. “So you’re confusing the combination of that with, like, romantic love.”
“What’s romantic love if not friendship combined with attraction?”
I inhaled, icy air slicing through my lungs, and fine.Fine.
“You really want to know?” I raised my head and held his gaze—enough hiding. “Okay, then how about this? It’s crying yourself to sleep because your best friend just told you about his first time snogging a girl and you tried your fuckinghardestto smile and ask the right questions.” My voice dropped, heart thudding painfully inside the cage of my chest. Streetlights painted bright streaks across my vision. “It’s your first shag, and you close your eyes and wish it were someone else. It’s watching every single one of your relationships crumble because at some point, even the most self-involved guy notices that your heart’s not in it.That’sromantic love.”
“Fuck, Ash.” Kieran’s voice broke on my name, and maybe I had wanted to hurt him, just a little—make him feel even a fraction of the ache in my bones. Only I didn’t feel better for it. “I am so sorry.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I do, now.” He paused, then swayed just a hint closer. “But Ash, you’re wrong. That’s unrequited love, what you described. And this isn’t that.”
Jesus, really? I scoffed and felt the sound catch in my throat. “What doyouknow about love?”
“Not very much.” He admitted it lightly, easily. “But I’ve always been a fast learner.”
