Page 56 of Roleplay at Randy's
My brain muddles up Riley’s and Elias’ voices. The way they both call me sweetheart. My chest twinges, and I press my thumb hard into a hickey at my collarbone.
I’m going to fall in love with him. There’s no doubt in my mind that as soon as I stop fighting, those feelings will rush in like river rapids. I won’t stand a chance.
“Matty?”
I close my eyes tight, a flood of longing sweeping in simply over how he says my name. Tears trickle down my cheeks faster than I can catch them, and between one breath and the next, Elias is there with his arms around me.
His body is hot to the touch from his shower, and the dampness of his skin clings to my back.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispers into my ear as he lays his cheek on my shoulder.
I don’t. I really fucking don’t, but that doesn’t stop the words from clogging my airway until I vomit them out.
“Riley was the first person to accept me.” The words burn my throat, but they keep coming. “He was the first one to love me. To make me feel like I was worth loving. He saw me through my transition. He was my best fucking friend.”
The tears come in a steady stream, and I don’t bother with wiping them away. Instead, I cross my arms over top of Lee’s and use us both to hold myself together.
“I survived losing him as a lover,” I say in a hoarse whisper. “But I haven’t been able to get over losing him as a friend.”
Lee’s lips brush over my neck, and I turn in his arms, ducking my head so our mouths are millimeters apart.
“I don’t want to have to choose again.”
Elias’ big warm hands cradle my cheeks, his lips placing soft kisses over the bridge of my nose, my cheekbones, my chin, everywhere they can reach.
“Nothing in this world will ever stop me from being your friend.”
“You can’t know that.”
Those dimples pop as a smile blooms across his cheeks. “I promise you, Matty Nichols, that even if we fall in love and crash and burn, I will never be more than a phone call away. You will always have me and Cal—and probably Miya—to lean on.”
One more kiss, this time to my parted lips. “Maybe your ex would even agree.”
I yank myself back, but his arms keep me from going too far. Kind, patient eyes stare into mine.
I remember the diner several months ago, sitting across from Riley for the first time in years. I smiled. Spoke with a confidence I didn’t feel, all because I wanted Riley to be happy, to stop feeling bad and blaming himself.
The way we fell apart was no one’s fault. He deserved to move on.Ideserve to move on.
But fear is a fucking bitch.
“You’re not as over him as you think.”
I clench my jaw so hard it makes my head hurt, and thereElias is again, kissing my temple, drawing my face to his chest.
“I don’t mean that you’re still in love with him,” he says in a quiet, placating manner. “More that you miss him.”
Of course I miss him.
I miss him even more when I remember that communication is a two way street. He never reached out to me, and I never reached out to him. Shit just hung in the air suffocating us both.
He’s the one who finally wanted to make peace. Who wanted closure on our ending so he could move on with the man he’d fallen in love with. The man he came out for.
I had smiled like all was right with my world, when in reality everything had gone to shit, and I didn’t know how to tell him I missed him. That I wanted to be friends again.
“Are you into sports?” I ask, suddenly wanting someone to commiserate with.
Elias lifts a brow and pinches the tip of my nose. “That’s a subject change.”
