Page 6 of May I Have the Pleasure
I am afraid these reflections left me in deep thought for quite some time, and I missed about half of what the two gentlemen discussed.
I eventually came back to my senses in time for Mr Darcy to once again astound me with his next statement.
“Mr Collins, may I presume on our short acquaintance and our shared relationship with Lady Catherine and ask you a somewhat personal question?”
Mr Collins may have taken as much as a minute to answer the question, but somehow, Mr Darcy slowed him down long enough to continue.
“I understand a man in your position must be in want of a wife, is that correct?”
I just about passed out on the floor or smacked the insufferable man across the temple with my fan. I refrained when he gave me a bit of a soft look… but it was a near thing.
Mr Collins once again gave a fulsome and detailed answer. He somehow refrained from naming me specifically, but he looked at me like I was the main course on the best menu of his life, and his meaning could not have been clearer. Whether it was admiration or avarice was difficult to tell, but it was clear he had an opinion on the subject, and the only thing keeping him silent was his thin hold on the rules of propriety. Even Mr Collins knew that to declare anything publicly when he had not even asked permission of myself or my father, would be beyond the pale.
Without batting an eye, Mr Darcy pulled a letter from his pocket and waved it around.
“I have a missive here from the most important woman in my life, and I believe I have been charged with assisting you. Am I to understand you have no father or uncle handy to advise you in Hertfordshire?”
Mr Collins looked a bit perplexed, but much to my shock he replied succinctly, “My esteemed father is dead, and I have no uncles or other close relatives.”
For the first time, I actually felt a bit of sympathy for my cousin. He said the wordesteemedin a way that suggestedaccursedwould be a better word if he dared use it, and for the very first time I wondered what kind of upbringing would account for his behaviour. That left me with the uncomfortable feeling that more thinking about parents and children might either bring enlightenment or pain. I had been perfectly happy to join my father in making sport of Mr Collins’s manners, but neither Lydia nor Kitty were noticeablybetter… nor was my mother for that matter. Perhaps I had been too quick to give fault. I certainly had with Mr Darcy. Of course, whenthatthought popped into my head, I thought maybe I should smack my own head with my fan.
In the meantime, Mr Darcy had, in quite an unruffled and imperturbable manner, unfolded the letter from themost important woman. When he did so, he held it in front of me where I could see it, and then did the sneakiest, must underhanded, most reprehensible thing you could imagine. Worst of all, I had no idea how he managed it, but in the shuffle and unfolding the letter and showing it to me, he somehow hooked my left hand, put it in the crook of his arm, and pulled me closer so I could read it. Yes, he was definitely going to get a fan across the temple—eventually.
Meanwhile, he continued without pause, which was admittedly somewhat impressive.
“I will not pretend to be a wise old man. I am not even married yet, but if you wish some advice, I graduated Cambridge with honours and have been the master of a great estate for more than five years, so I know a few things. More importantly, I will be happy to parrot advice given to me by my own father and uncles.”
At this, I was worried that Mr Collins was likely to fall over dead right on the spot. That would have solved my matrimonial problems quite handily, but it would also prevent my learning who my mysterious first dance partner was, so I reckoned I would prefer him alive for the time being.
Mr Darcy in the meantime, did not even slow down, but I had a bit of a challenging time following the first minute or so of advice he gave Mr Collins, because my attention was caught by the letter from themost important woman.Mr Collins naturally assumed he was talking about Lady Catherine, but I ascertained that unless Lady Catherine had taken the unusual habit of signing her letters with‘your loving sister, Georgiana,’this letter was in factnotfrom Lady Catherine.
Of course, Mr Darcy’s sister was the most important woman in his life, but his implication it could be someone else was just a bit disingenuous. For what purpose?
I did not have much time to think about that, as the next thing I noticed was my own name appearing no less than three times on that page. I wondered what otherMiss ElizabethMr Darcy and his sister spent so much time talking about. Perhaps another cousin—the name was common enough. Of course, now was not the time to wonder, as Mr Darcy was a bit relentless once he got wound up (a sensible habit when speaking with Mr Collins).
“Let us return to the matter of your prospective wife. May I presume to offer you guidance?”
Mr Collins started another speech, but Mr Darcy was too fast for him, and just continued relentlessly.
“First off, I will repeat what my father told me and hope his advice is good enough for you. At this moment, may I presume you have someone who is themost important woman in your life?”
I saw Mr Collins swallow in the effort to not say Lady Catherine’s name yet again, and he just nodded.
Mr Darcy nodded in a way that did make him look much like the aforementioned wise old sage.
“Good! Now, pay attention! Whoever this person is, or how important she may be—after you marry, she will become thesecondmost important woman in your life. Your wife has to come first.”
Mr Collins looked on in shock, and I had to admit that I found such a liberal view in the apparently traditional Mr Darcy somewhat surprising. It was an entirely sensible and obvious sentiment, but not especially common among the men I knew.
Not yet finished, he relentlessly continued, “By second most important, I mean second most important by awide margin!Your wife issecond to noneuntil you have children,and then they become as important. The family must come first.”
Mr Collins was by now nodding, and I could practically see smoke coming off his head with the idea of Lady Catherine being anything other than first. I had no notion if the new idea would ever sink in, but maybe I could give him the benefit of the doubt… so long as that new most important person in his life was not me, I could be generous.
I chanced a glance at Mr Darcy, and he seemed intent and amused. The two emotions would seem to be in conflict, but I had to sheepishly admit that he pulled it off very well.
I was beginning to appreciate just how little I knew him, all because of a bad first impression.
His next tack was a bit surprising.
