Page 87 of The Fadeaway
“Polly?” Throat thick. “She is mine, right?” It sounds ridiculous even to my own ears.
“I don’t know for sure.”
My knees give, and I brace myself on the wall behind me.
I have no idea how much time goes by while I stand and wait for the bombshell to finish exploding in my chest.
“I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so, so sorry.” Polly’s voice breaks the silence. Tears stream down her face leaving a trail of black from her makeup. “It was just one time.”
“You slept with someone else while we were together?”
I process the words as I say them. How did I not see this coming? Polly and I have been careful every time we’ve had sex. I always use protection, but, fuck, her cheating on me was the last thing I thought when she got pregnant.
How could she be so deceiving, and I never even considered that a possibility? Were there no signs or did I just ignore them? Blinded by love. Fucking love.
She steps forward and reaches for my hand. “I love you.”
I flinch at both the words and her touch. “You don’t love me.” I pull away. She inhales sharply, but I’m too pissed to care that I might be upsetting the woman that may or may not have just had my baby. I’ll add that to my list of regrets later. “You couldn’t possibly love me and keep this from me for nine months. What if–.” I can’t force myself to say the words. What if she isn’t mine?
This, whatever it is Polly feels for me, definitely isn’t love. Or if it is, it isn’t enough for me.
“It was only one time,” she repeats like that matters. One time that she screwed somebody else while claiming to love me. I’m not into gambling, but if I were, I’d say the odds aren’t good that she’s telling the truth. She might as well have boned the whole town, though, because I’m done. Not with Minka, but with Polly. Didn’t plan on raising a kid on my own, but there’s no chance I can raise one with Polly. I can’t even look at her.
“You and I can still be together,” she insists and pushes against me. “It was a guy my sister knows from college. I had too much to drink at my birthday party and one thing led to another. It meant nothing. Even if he’s the father, it’s you I want to be with. Minka can be ours regardless.”
Grind my teeth in frustration and ball my hands into fists because I straight up want to strangle this girl with every new detail she offers.
How could I be so stupid? How could she be so conniving? “No. You fucking destroyed whatever love I had for you when you spread your legs for someone else.”
Minka’s mine. She has to be.
She gasps at my harsh words. I regret them immediately, but I don’t apologize. I’ve never slut-shamed anyone in my life, but I’m seeing red and I need to hurt her as much as she hurt me. I can feel my heart harden and I walk away before I say anything else I might regret. If this is love, fuck it. Love is an exchange of power. And the person who loves the most – they trade all their power. And for what?
Never again. I’ll take control of my life over love any day.
Love is bullshit.
36
Joel
“Moreno,what the hell is going on with you today?”
I shake my head and wipe the sweat from my brow.
Coach’s mouth sets in a firm line and he points to the sideline. “Take a seat. Johnson, you’re up.”
Wes looks like he might speak as I pass him standing at the top of the key with his fucking dry erase clipboard in hand, but I head him off. “Save it.”
I’m angry. No, fuck it, I’m enraged. At myself. At life. At every goddamn thing.
Katrina loves me or is falling in love with me. I’m pretty sure those are synonymous. How did I not see this coming? It’s the exact reason I stopped letting girls in beyond my bed. From the day Polly shattered my belief in love and trust, I’d changed. I made sure my intentions were clear–just sex, just fun, leave your emotions at the door. It had been easier than I thought until I’d walked into that damn café.
I’d been fooling myself into thinking I could dance around the lines with her and Christian, but the second the words left her mouth I didn’t feel happy – I felt fucking panicked. If I gave her my love and she treated it as recklessly as Polly had, it would destroy me. It would change me beyond repair.
Fuck.
Tossing the ball to Johnson, I take another step toward the bench and still. Frozen in place as the weight of the realization hits me.
