Page 92 of The Fake
Class starts and the first of the presentations are slated to start. A trio walks up to the front of the room and begins. They start in on their sales pitch for adult diapers, and I shudder and tune them out. Easy to do when Nathan pushes his notebook in front of me.
I miss youis scribbled in his small messy penmanship. I want to run my fingers over the words and trace his letters. Instead I stare down at it and wonder how those words can possibly make me feel sadder. When I don’t move to write back, he adds another line.I’m sorry.
I take my pen and write,I miss you, too.
I miss him so much. One day without him and I feel emptier inside than I’ve ever been.
After that, I keep my eyes glued to the presentation, horrifying as it is, and Nathan doesn’t try to get my attention again. We stand with the rest of the class when it’s over and shuffle up the stairs and outside.
“Do you want to get together tonight and work on our presentation? Gotta make sure it’s not going to be as painful as that one was.” His voice is light, but I can see the uneasiness in his posture.
“I don’t think we need to. We’re ready.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and nods. “Alright. Well, can I see you tonight anyway?”
Falling back into a routine with Nathan would be easy, but it still hurts too much. “I can’t. I’ll text you later. Okay?”
I start to walk away, and he calls after me. “Wait. I have something for you.”
I turn to find his hand outstretched and a piece of folded paper with my name scribbled on top. “I know I screwed up and I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’m going to keep trying anyway.” He places it in my hand and leaves me standing on the sidewalk staring after him.
When I get back to my dorm, I collapse on my bed and open the note. My heart flutters at the sight of the page nearly completely filled with his small, messy penmanship. There’s something intimate and special about a handwritten letter.
Surfer Princess,
Yesterday I was going to drown my sorrows in a fifth of Jack and do everything I could to forget about the mess I made. It’s what I did before I met you. Numb the pain and sting of failure until it felt trivial.
Then you came along.
The way you looked at me that first night made me believe I wasn’t really the guy I’d become. That the clusterfuck of my life was just crappy circumstances and plain bad luck. I lied to myself because what I really didn’t want to admit was that I was scared you wouldn’t like me if you knew the truth about who I was.
I don’t know how things would be different if I had, but I hope that I’m not too late.
When I was nine, I told our next-door neighbor that things were really bad at home and my parents were fighting a lot just so she’d feel sorry for me and let me come over and watch cable any time I wanted.
In sixth grade, I walked into the girl’s bathroom. I told everyone it was a dare, but really, I just wanted to see what it looked like in there. I thought there must be something cool since the girls spent so much more time in there than we did in the boy’s bathroom.
I downloaded porn on my mom’s computer and when she found it, I told her it was Heath’s and that she shouldn’t say anything because he was trying to figure out his sexuality.
I hate fishing, but my dad loved it. Every year he’d insist we wake up early on opening trout weekend. He got so excited about it I could never break it to him that I didn’t really wanna go.
When I started dealing, I told myself that it was just a job and that I wasn’t hurting anyone.
I got so drunk one time I peed on Wes’ bed and blamed it on Joel.
I met a girl, a stunning and perfect girl, and I hurt her because I was too selfish to own up to my past. Everything else — the time we spent together and the way you make me feel, it was all real.
You’re my truth, Chloe.
Nathan
I read the letter at least a dozen times before I have to put it away and hustle to practice. I don’t think it’s my imagination that Coach is extra hard on us. We do twice the number of conditioning drills.
Then, she holds Bri, Sydney, Emily, and me back after practice and informs us the supply closet needs to be cleaned out before the weekend. I really want to get out of here so I can go meet my parents for dinner, but as far as punishment goes this one seems pretty reasonable, so I keep my mouth shut and send my mom a text that practice is running late.
Sydney puts some music on while we take out every box from the supply closet so we can go through them. Emily devises a two-day master plan to get the closet cleaned and the rest of us just go with it, letting her be the leader of this venture. Typically, Bri would be the one stepping in and coming up with the plan, but she’s barely spoken and not at all to me.
We pull out boxes and boxes of old stuff. The Valley U beach volleyball program is one of the oldest in the NCAA, and we find tons of merchandise dating back to when it was called sand volleyball instead.
