Page 79 of Slapshot
“Of course, I don’t hate hockey. I quit when I was a kid because I was mad at you. I felt like the only time you really cared about me was when I was playing. I ruined it to see what would happen. And I was right. You shipped me off to boarding school that next year.”
“Those two things weren’t related. After you quit hockey, you also started lying to me about where you were going to be and then sneaking out when I said no. I knew you were acting out, but I didn’t know how to stop it. I never cared about you quitting hockey, Kaitlyn. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I cared because it was the one place I could connect with you.”
“Then why did you send me away?”
He runs a hand along his jaw. “I really just didn’t know what else to do. I wanted the best for you even if that meant I wasn’t it. I was just a year older than you are now when you were born, and I didn’t know the first thing about being a dad. Your mom wasn’t dependable, and it was all on me. I thought I had it under control until you became a teenager and then it was super obvious that I was in way over my head. When you started getting into trouble, I didn’t have a clue how to handle it. You’d already been through so much and I was scared I was failing you too.”
I’m silent, processing and a little overwhelmed if I’m honest. We’ve never openly discussed my mom leaving. She was a part of my life. She called and sent cards. She even breezed into town and surprised me on occasion. But I always came second to the men in her life. She flitted in and out of my life like the seasons and I accepted it like it was normal. For some reason, I’d always found her abandonment easier to forgive. Maybe because we’d never been close. My dad and I had been, though, once upon a time.
“I know that I wasn’t an easy kid to love, but I just wanted to know that you’d be there no matter what terrible thing I did.” I interlock my fingers and squeeze to relieve some of the anxiousness I feel admitting that I want my father to love me. I’ve spent my entire adult life adamantly denying it.
“I loved you even when you were getting into trouble. I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job of showing it.”
Since I’ve already admitted more than I planned to tonight, I continue, “Do you know that my whole life people have used me to get to you? Even in middle school boys started to piece together that spending time with me meant more face time with you. Every time I meet someone, I worry that once they find out who my father is, that’s the only identity they’ll associate with me. Staying away from hockey made that easier. I was so leery of Lex in the beginning, but he made me believe that he genuinely liked me for me. You blurred the lines by offering him a job. If he takes it, I’ll never know if he’s with me because of the opportunities available to him or because he likesme. And if he doesn’t take it then I’ll feel guilty for standing in his way.”
“There will always be reasons not to trust Lex or the next person that comes along. For what it’s worth, I don’t think Lex thinks of you as a way to get to me. Actually, I think it’s quite the opposite—he wants to use me and a job offer to spend more time with you.” My dad smiles.
“He doesn’t need your job, I stand by that, but I do think it would be dumb of him to turn it down. Let me talk to him again before you hire someone else.”
“Okay, I will keep the spot open for him in case he changes his mind. And one for you. I built Dalager for us. No expectations or pressure.” He raises his hands defensively. “But my life’s work was to ensure your future. I had little to fall back on after I quit playing professionally. I had a degree that no one cared about, and I didn’t want to be one of those guys trying to milk sponsorships for the rest of my life.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Tonight has been a lot. I haven’t seriously considered working at Dalager since I was a kid.
“You don’t have to say anything. If you want to intern or have a job after college, then it’s yours.” He regards me seriously. “Assuming you keep your grades up.”
“The marketing needs work. Linda is a dinosaur,” I say, speaking of his current head of marketing.
He full body laughs, and it breaks something between us. “She was the best there was fifteen years ago, but admittedly she isn’t a big fan of change.”
“If I take an internship, does that mean I’m taking Lex’s spot or anyone else’s?”
He smiles and studies me. The weight of his gaze is heavy and penetrating. “No, sweetheart. You won’t be bumping anyone else’s opportunity.”
“Thank you.”
“While we’re being honest, I think you should reconsider quitting the team. From what Coach Keller tells me, and from what Lex says, the guys speak highly of you.”
I can’t imagine Coach Keller saying that, but it’s nice to hear anyway. “Thank you, but I think it’s for the best. They’ll get someone else quickly.”
“Just think about it. I better understand your reasons for giving it up, and I wish I’d known years ago why you quit playing, but don’t let other people ruin something you love. Not even me. And I will stay out of the way with Lex and the team. I promise not to interfere or put you in a weird spot.”
“Thank you.”
He nods. “Though I would like to visit more often.”
“I’d like that too. How do you feel about watching basketball?”
He makes a face. “For you, I guess I’ll suffer.”
24
Lex
I’m half asleep on the couch when the door to the equipment room swings open. She stands in the doorway unraveling the purple scarf around her neck.
“I was waiting on the washing machine,” I say as I sit up and run a hand through my hair. “What are you doing here?” Her unexpected arrival makes me feel hopeful for all of two seconds until I read the apologetic look on her face.
“I, uh…” She trails off, voice small.
