Page 67 of Holiday Star
“I knew it was hard for you.”
I whip my head toward him. “You did?” After all those years together, I hadn’t thought Jax could surprise me, but today’s conversation has been full of revelations.
“Gwen, seriously.” He blows out a breath, fond exasperation etched into his features. “We dated for a long time. You think I couldn’t see how bummed you would get around Christmas every year? It was clear how much you missed your dad.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I did, remember? In the beginning, I would ask you about it, but you never wanted to talk, so after a while I let it go.”
What a lost opportunity. Jax could have comforted me during those dark days, but I hadn’t let him in. In all the time that we dated, I hadn’t fully let him see the real me. “Sorry, I could have handled that better. I should have been honest about what was going on with me.”
I make a promise to myself, right then, to not hide my true self anymore. If I ever get a chance at love again, I will speak my mind, even if my thoughts and feelings are ugly or imperfect.
“It’s okay,” he says with a sad smile. “We both made mistakes.”
Smile fading, Jax becomes serious. “Do you think it would have worked out between us? If we had gotten married?”
“I don’t know.” I let my gaze grow distant, looking into a future that will never happen. What I see frightens me. I imagine how people-pleasing me would have sacrificed myself to him. How I would have lost myself, disappearing a little more each day to meet his needs.
With Caleb, I had met his needs, but he had satisfied mine equally. There had been a steady back and forth between us. The tide of the ocean, pushing and pulling.
“I think the old me would have made marriage with you work. Cobbled a life together, even if it meant sacrificing things that were important to me. But I’ve changed recently, and the new me wouldn’t have been happy. I’m not willing to compromise any longer. I won’t change myself to conform to someone else’s standards.”
I swallow, realizing it was Caleb who had taught me that. Watching him struggle to write and sing, to be his own authentic self, had inspired me. He had played a role his whole life, that of the famous actor.
I had been playing a role, too. The dutiful daughter. The dependable girlfriend. I held onto those titles even when they became painful. I’m sick of all that, ready to let it go and write my own lines.
Respect shines in Jax’s eyes. “I believe you. You seem different to me, bolder and more confident somehow. I like it. The change in you.”
“Thanks.” We have enough shared history that his praise still matters to me. “I don’t think I could have said this to you before you came over here today, but I hope that you’ll be happy with Sophie.”
“Really? It means a lot to hear you say that.” He lights up with pleasure, shoulders moving back and chest pushing out.
There’s a release of the tension between us. It’s good to be at peace with him. A kind of closure.
“What’s up with you and Caleb Lawson?” Jax asks the question casually, but there’s a hard focus to the way he watches me. His expression has transformed into something sneaky, almost sly. “I saw you kissing him. Never thought of you as a groupie.”
The characterization as a groupie stings. Suddenly, I wonder if he would be here today if he hadn’t seen Caleb kiss me. Jealousy can be a powerful motivator.
An even more sinister idea occurs to me. The hair rises on the back of my arms, a deep primitive part of my brain sensing a threat. I lean back to better survey Jax, noting how his eyes shift left to right and how he taps his fingers on the tabletop.
“Tell me Jax…why are youreallyhere?”
“What do you mean? I wanted to talk to you. Put things to rest between us.” He’s acting innocent, but I dated the man for six years.
I know when he’s lying.
“Jax.” My tone is full of warning. “It’s one thing for you to come over and talk about us, but why are you asking about Caleb and me?”
His mask falls away, revealing cold-hearted cunning beneath. It’s a look I don’t recognize. Before he could be hurtful in a thoughtless way, but now, this new Jax, there’s a sense of jealousy from him, of bitterness. This is not the man I dated.
“What’s the big deal?” he spits out. “People are curious about what’s going on with you two. They have a right to know.”
Fury tightens my spine, pulling it straighter. “Who wants to know?” I demand. “The reporters outside?”
His silence is his confession.
“Guess what, Jax. No one, and I meanno one,has the right to know what I do in my own house. Not you and not them. How much money are they offering you for the inside scoop, huh? In those articles, they always say a ‘source close to the couple reveals.’ Is that you? Do you want to be that snitch? Tell me, what’s the starting salary for that job?”
