Page 55 of Holiday Star
A kiss to make me feel better.
I’m almost at the end of my story and happy to be done with it. I don’t enjoy reliving those days, but I understand it’s important for Caleb to know. That time in my life had a big impact on who I am now. If I can’t show him that trauma, then he’ll never really understand me.
As much as I’ve accused him of having secrets, there are parts of me I’ve held back as well. I want them gone. Any ghosts that stand between us—Lola, Jax, my dad. It’s time to shine a light into those dark corners of ourselves, to let each other see all the pain, fear, and rejection.
“Is that when you decided to become a doctor?”
I lift one shoulder. “Kinda. I had thought about it before, going to medical school. I always loved math and science. After what my family went through with Dad, it seemed the natural choice. I think about him a lot, my dad, when I’m with patients. Try to remember what it feels like to be on the other side of that stethoscope.”
“I’m sure you’re amazing at it, being a doctor.”
“I hope so. It’s important to me. For many years, that was all I cared about, getting into medical school, then residency. Studying so much was a way to bury my grief and yet honor my dad at the same time. Now that I’ve done it, gotten into residency, I’m at a bit of a loss. I find myself wondering, what’s my next big goal? What else do I see for my future?”
His lips brush against my hair. “What did you decide? What do you want?”
You. I want you.
That’s what I wish I could say, but it’s too soon and I’m too scared.
Instead, I shake my head. “Not sure, still figuring that out.”
Caleb goes back to talking about my past. “What happened after your dad died? How did you all get by?”
“My mom had stayed at home with us kids when dad was alive. After he passed away, she had to work to pay our bills, especially the medical bills, which were insanely expensive. It was like we lost both our parents at the same time. Our dad was gone, and Mom was barely around, too busy working as a teacher during the day and taking side gigs like waitressing at night. Brandon was in community college by then, which he resented. He had wanted to go to a private university, but after Dad died we couldn’t afford it. He was angry, hardly ever home.
“It was mostly Teddy and me. We took care of each other. In a way, I helped raise him.”
Caleb rolls over onto his side, facing me, and scoots down until we are eye to eye. He rests his hand on my cheek, the pad of his thumb slowly stroking my skin. I close my eyes, focusing on that sensation. Letting his touch ground me in the here and now, where I am safe and loved. “Sometimes, I try to picture what my family would look like if Dad had never died, and it’s sad because I don’t think I would recognize us. That’s how much it changed us.”
“I know words will never be enough, but I’m sorry.” His voice is as soft as his caress.
I sniffle and nod. “I’m sorry too. For everything you went through with the accident. And I’msosorry for reading your notebook. That wasn’t mine to take.”
His smile is full of emotion. “Gwen, don’t you know by now…anything of mine is yours. You just have to ask.”
31
Caleb gasps into my shoulder as we come down from an intense love-making session. We’ve knocked all the covers off the bed and onto the floor. I shiver, goose bumps breaking out on my naked flesh. Caleb stretches over me to retrieve a blanket from the ground. He tucks it around us, creating a nest for two, nice and cozy.
My post-orgasm muscles are stretched out like warm taffy, all loose and relaxed. Nestling closer, I bury my face in the crook of his neck. Caleb smells like cinnamon and some kind of manly scent I can’t define.
His words rumble against my ear. “You asked about the future the other day.”
I pull out of his embrace and prop myself up on one elbow so I can see him better. “Do you think about it? A future for us?” I gulp, nervous to hear his answer. I can’t bear it if he says no.
The somber expression on his face scares me, even though his words are reassuring. “I think about it a lot.” Absentmindedly, Caleb plays with the end of my hair, winding it tight around his finger and then releasing it, only to repeat the motion. “There’s a price to being with me, though. I’m not sure it’s fair to ask you to pay it.”
“I’m not scared, Caleb.” I lift my chin.
He chuckles, “Oh, I know. You’re not scared of anything.” He sobers. “It’s a six-hour flight from L.A. to New York. With the three-hour time difference, it takes all day to travel from one to the other.”
“True, but maybe if we saw each other once a month or meet up somewhere in the middle, we could make it work?” It sounds daunting, even as I say it.
“You don’t understand.” He blows out a frustrated breath. “Eventually, I have to go back to acting. It’s the only thing I’m good at. When I’m filming on location, I can be gone six, up to nine months. In places that are hard to get to. The African desert. The Bering Sea. One time I froze my ass off in the Arctic for almost a year.”
“I get it. Sometimes I go a whole month in the hospital without a single day of vacation.” Using my knuckles, I rub at my eyes, trying to take away the sting. “But acting isn’t the only thing you’re good at. What about your songwriting? Singing? You’re good at that, too. I think you should try.”
“Maybe,” he says cautiously. “I could talk to my agent about it. Just open the conversation. My lead PR person, Nicole, has been with me for over a decade. I could float the idea by her, too. I can trust her to be honest and keep it quiet.”
