Page 54 of Holiday Star
“Oh, Caleb.” I kneel and fold myself around him, wanting to protect him. Ready to fight anyone who hurts him.
After a minute, I disentangle myself.
“What about you and Jax?” Caleb takes his turn. “Do you still have feelings for him? You were engaged to him. That’s a much bigger deal than me dating Lola for a year.” His guard is up, and I see that he’s scared I’ll hurt him the same way I’m scared he’ll hurt me.
I stare off into the distance, thinking, wanting to give him an honest answer. “I think I’ll always have some feelings for Jax.” I hold my voice steady, even as Caleb recoils. “He was my first everything, but recently I’ve realized that first doesn’t have to be my last. That I’m ready for something new. I’ve been waiting without knowing it.” I glance down, too shy to see the impact of my words.
He kisses me, a reward for being truthful.
“Were you ever going to show me your songs?” I ask, taking my turn.
Caleb blushes, suddenly awkward. “Eventually, but probably not for a long time. It’s too vulnerable to have you see them.”
“Well, you know what makes me feel vulnerable?” I counter.
“What?”
“Being naked in front of you. Having sex with you. To me, that’s opening myself up, letting you see me weak, defenseless.” I pause as another thought occurs to me. “But maybe you don’t think of it that way. Maybe you’re so used to having women throw themselves at you that sex is just sex.” I hate the idea that I’m nothing more than a warm body to him, a way to take pleasure without any real risk.
Caleb watches out of the corner of his eye, evaluating me. “I won’t lie. I’ve had sex like that. Meaningless, easy to get.”
Just when I think he’s going to say that’s all there is between us, he changes course. “That’s not what sex with you is like. I don’t take it lightly or for granted. Yes, it feels great, amazing even, but it’s more than that for me.”
I can’t stop the thrill his words bring. “It’s more for me, too.”
Then he asks me the hardest question of them all. “Tell me about your dad.”
30
Ihang my head and sigh. “We might need to lie down for this one.”
We move upstairs to the bed, and I lay pressed against Caleb, taking comfort in his body. Pip follows and tucks herself between us, as if she wants to offer support as well.
How to describe someone as big and wonderful as my father? “He was charming, outgoing, the life of the party, my dad. Had the loudest laugh. Loved my mom something fierce.” I smile, remembering how my parents’ love was the sun that my brothers and I orbited around. “He adored Christmas, like I told you before. It was his favorite holiday. I think of him every day, but even more during this time of year.
“I was extremely close with him. A total Daddy’s girl. I’d wait by the doorway until he’d come home from work. Then I’d tackle him and demand he play with me. Even though I’m sure he was tired, he’d throw his briefcase down and chase me through the house, tickling me mercilessly until I screamed with laughter.”
My smile fades away. “When I was a junior in high school, he went to the ER with belly pain. Back then, I didn’t realize that he had been constipated and his stool had blood in it.”
I sigh, remembering back to those initial days. When the news was bad, but we had hope. And then later, when the news got worse, and we lost that hard-earned hope.
“They did a CT scan and saw a tumor the size of a cantaloupe blocking his colon. Of course, they did biopsies and labs to confirm that he had colon cancer, but it was that initial scan that found it.”
I grow quiet for a moment. “All the testing showed it had already spread. The surgeons operated. They cut out the bad parts and stuck him back together. He did chemo and radiation, but I could tell from the way they talked to us, all full of pity, that it was no use. They wanted us to feel like we had done something. That we hadn’t just given up on him.”
Caleb bends his ear down to my mouth so he can hear as I whisper, “He was dead six months later.”
I have more words, but they don’t want to escape. They clump in my throat, piling into each other like cars in a traffic jam.
Caleb waits patiently.
“I had a hard time after he passed. Wouldn’t get out of bed. I had no desire to see my friends. I started having panic attacks, so bad that I missed days and days of school. Mom forced me to see a therapist. She took me in, kicking and screaming. I know I shouldn’t have felt this way, but I wassoashamed. I thought it was weak, that I couldn’t handle everything on my own. Therapy helped. Honestly, it probably saved me. My therapist wanted me to go to a special grief counselor, but I stopped treatment once I left for college. I was too busy studying, trying to get into medical school.”
It comes back to me in a rush, how scared I had been that someone from high school might find out I was in therapy. At that time, it had seemed like social suicide to let anyone witness how I was struggling. Only Jenny had known the truth. I didn’t even tell Jax.
I’m much smarter now. I understand the importance of mental health. How it should be guarded as if it’s something precious. And yet, I still can’t look at Caleb. I don’t want to see the judgment in his eyes.
He takes my chin in his fingers, forcing me to meet his gaze, full of sympathy and understanding. Slowly, he leans down and puts his lips to mine.
